Random Rants

This guy

I really haven't been here in a while but I feel I should give an update on my life.

In the past year, I changed schools and settling in again I will say was hard as fuck.

I found getting used to all the new people and the distance between everything tiring. Like, I'm not used to that type of shit honestly and I was so ready to quit after like, the first week.

I had a few friends, all Nigerian of course, cuz all the other girls were being rude and racist most of the time but maybe that was just cuz I didn't give them a chance to get to know the real, weird me.

Teachers thought me smart, polite, honest..(I will say, I AM a kiss up especially to people higher in authority. It helps with getting out of not doing homework seeing as I'm lazy as fuck.)

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Seeing as it was a boarding school, I found life there boring in general but one of the things that kept me going was this guy...

God, he was everything to me.

I found myself wanting to hang out with him like all the time.

I could see myself falling slowly and I got really scared cuz I know what pain comes with feelings.

But I just couldn't get myself to stop cuz he was funny, smart, understanding, perverted and an all round great guy.

He made me feel special..

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We all do weekly boarding and I went home one weekend without him on my bus only to come back the next week to find him completely changed.

He was ignoring me.

Being rude to me.

Avoiding me.

It left me hurt and confused.

I didn't understand what was going on or what had changed in that weekend he hadn't come home with me.

It turns out that months before, he'd seen a video on my roommate's phone of me twerking; that day, we were just having fun and I'd even told her to delete it but she didn't, saying that, "no one was gonna get the phone. No one would see the video. Calm down."

He'd seen the video and it'd ruined his view of me.

He said (and I asked him) that, "After that, he couldn't look at me and talk to me the same way without remembering the video and getting lustful."

He told me that he couldn't like me any longer because of something that.

He'd even started talking to another girl and at the moment, they both have huge crushes on each other.

What's even more frustrating about this is the fact that she's white.

I don't want to be racist because I DO have white friends whom I love but I'd hated this girl since the moment I stepped into that school and of all the desperate girls in the gotdam school, he had to choose her over me.

If she was Nigerian, like us, maybe I wouldn't have minded so much.

I hated this because I've literally lost count of how many guys I've lost to white/Asian girls (cuz I live in Asia).

It's like, once a different race is involved, I automatically lose. I don't even have to bother trying cuz the results will be forever fruitless.

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I've been so depressed, lost my appetite, cry all the time..

It sucks knowing just cuz he was so fucking perfect for me.

I just don't know what to do now.

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This isn't really a rant but I really need an outlet.