control ;; phan

welcome

-trigger warning-
~*~
after finally summoning
the courage and strength,
here i was – standing
before the bathroom
mirror.
i winced at the sight of
my face; bloodied and
bruised; a permanent
frown placed upon it.
my eyes held no life;
no colour.
they were dull;
defeated;
broken.
"look at you."
the words escaped
my lips,
like glass.
every word hurt.
"you're pathetic."
pj was right.
"you're worthless."
i didn't doubt
him.
"you're a disgrace."
i felt a tear splash
on my hand.
"you deserve to die."
my head dropped
in shame and in
grief.
i had one thing on
my mind.
it scared me.
oh god, how it
scared me.
was i really going to
go through with it?
"get a fucking grip,
phil."
yes.
i was going to do it.
with trembling hands,
i reached for the
medicine cupboard.
where were they?
it had been months
and months since
i last did it.
i'd been getting better.
dan had helped me.
dan.
the thought of dan howell
brought on even more
tears.
he told me not to do it.
"it's a bad place, phil.
you don't want to end
up there. trust me."
i didn't care anymore.
dan didn't care.
pj didn't care.
no one cared.
aha.
there they were.
something cool
brushed against
my fingertips
and i sighed at the
once too familiar
sensation in my hands.
i pulled down the pile of
silver blades from the
corner of the cupboard.
faintly, i could see my
form in their
reflection.
it was funny how
something that could
seem so beautiful
could be so destructive.
i toyed with the blade
between my fingers,
letting the edge dance
upon my skin.
i'd come to realise
something
as i pressed
the blade to
my arm.
i felt my skin
being pierced
with the sharp
piece of metal.
blood ran down
my arm and i
sighed at the
sensation.
my tears had ceased.
a feeling of calm
shot through me.
the pain in my arm
was almost home-like.
i closed my eyes,
pressing the blade
to my skin again,
and again,
and again.
i smiled.
deep inside,
nothing's fine.
and i have
most certainly
lost my mind.
"welcome back,
phil."

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A/N: this chapter is dedicated to astroplants and shininglester because they're both absolutely wonderful and I love them to pieces, the little cutie patoots <3