Parental Advisory: Self Expression

Things Are Different Now

Okay, so maybe it changed me when he left; I started to see things differently, started to trust less, get a load angrier all the time, about everything. About anything.
I'm not saying I got dark and told everyone to fuck off, because I do have friends. I just take care of my heart and my secrets a whole load better.
Since Kade and Hunter were such good guys, they thought they were lost, maybe even had been kidnapped, until one day, leaving school, I saw Mrs. Dane (their mom) crying on Mr. Dane's arms.
Of course, them leaving didn't mean I'd stop loving my second family, so I ran to them.
"What happened?", I asked.
"He... He was here", Mrs. D said.
I would later find out he'd come and taken all his stuff from his old room, as well as Hunter's. They only saw Kade.
He'd looked at them right in the eye and say nothing. Just leave.

Just like what he fucking did to me.
•••••••••••••••
I grabbed my bike and practically flew home. I was pissed at everybody.
I had that horrible knot in my throat; the one you get when you refuse to cry, but can't help it 'cause you feel so bad.
I've come to know that feeling quite a lot in the past two years.
Fortunately, nobody was home, meaning I could finally cry alone in my room; which I really wanted to do.
By the time I touched my bed, no tears came, only this terrible feeling of someone choking me, so I tried to sleep.
Amazingly, sleep did come.
•••••••••••••••
I had a dream. Stupid dreams.
I dreamt of this one time when I was 6, and a 7-year-old Kade was taking me on a trip around the woods behind our houses. We were running and laughing and practically screaming until we got to it.
It was big; impossible not to notice.
And it became our spot.
There was this huge cave made of vines and plants, making a dome that filtered the light and warmed the air inside.
We played there until night came, and it wasn't until we had to go back home that we realised how far we'd gone; easily and hour until we saw our back yards.

Of course, through the years we'd come to know the spot and the way to it so well, it felt like a shorter distance; we would already know by heart the turn by that huge apple tree and that big hole we had to jump unless we wanted to fall.
It was special.
Of course, that didn't matter when he left.
•••••••••••
I woke up very angry. Not screaming; I didn't even wake up aggressively, I just sat on the edge of the bed.
And in that position, suddenly my heartbeat raised at amazing speed and I could barely hear anything but my breathing.
I took my vans and went to get some fresh air to the back yard, but I couldn't breathe. I started to walk in circles, faster and faster by every lap.
Suddenly, I stopped.

I turned to look at that old fence I used to jump through in order to see my best friend.
That stupid fence.
I got near it and kicked it with all my strength, and hurt myself. I screamed, frustrated and grabbed it with both hands and shacked it until the lock came out and the fence was open.

And just like that, I started running.