Confessions of Brashton

Chapter 22: #BRASHTON

It started from just asking him his name, Brayan. Who knew that it would become something way more than just a ship name to me. He does not like the ship name. I do not like it because they scream it everywhere, which is fine. It could be different for Brayan and me but it will never be different. We will say hey and occasionally he would ask me for his help. We will make eye contact sometimes and that is it. I try to avoid making eye contact. Can there be anymore than what it is now?

The answer to that is no. We will never be anything more than what we are now. He will never know how I feel about him.

What would he say if he found out?

I do not know but I do know that I do not want him to find out. We can never be anything else than just a ship name. We will be shipped and that is it. I may have written this book but that does not change the way he sees me yet. He does not even have a Quotev or Wattpad to read this book. He only stays on FaceBook and that is about it. He does listen to YouTube. His favorite singer I think is Jhene Aiko. He thinks she is so hot. He thinks many people are so hot. I wish that we could be more than what we are now but it will never happen. I think that this book gave me a relief of the emotions that I had towards him. I mean now the whole world knows so that is okay I guess but the thing I am worried about most is if he knows. It is something that drives me crazy. If he knows then what? He will probably see me differently but that is about it. He would probably never talk to me again or even say hey to me. I have kept my feelings secret for to long so this book justs gives me relief.

Ash, have hope

How can I have hope for something?

You just need to have hope that one day everything will be better and maybe you will end up with him.

I can never end up with him.

Why?

I cannot end up with him because he is straight (I think) for one reason. The most important reason is that he is moving back to Tennessee because he does not like Alabama or some stupid shit like that. It makes me mad that he is moving. If he did not move then I would have a little hope that we could be together but now I know that it will never happen. It sucks that he is moving in like three months or something like that. It sucks to know that I will never see him or get to talk with him ever again.

Ash, it will be ok.

I mean it will probably be fine I guess but that is how it will always be ok. I mean with my friends we will always be happy but when it comes to him it will ok. It will never be anything else but just ok. I hate how that is how it will have to be.

Ash, you will find someone else.

I know I will but whom. I wish I could see into the future to see who I will be with in the future. That is all I want to know nothing else. There is other things I would want to know like who are my friends in the near future.

Who will be around after high school?

That is a question that I ask myself all the time.

Ash, you will have th...

FUCK OFF, AUDEIENCE.

I ask myself that because I want to know. I think that I will have Nessa and Kat but you know that it could change in like the next four years. I hope it will not but you never know.

Think Positive. I have to tell myself to think positive. How can I? I mean the person that I have to biggest crush on is moving away and I ma scared that my friends will see me different after this book.

I really really like Brayan. I know that it is just a crush but it could be so much more. If he was not moving, I might in the future let him read this book. I might let him know how I feel about him and I would know how he felt about me. He probably does not have the problems like I do. He would probably just say that he likes me as a friend or he could say that he does not want to talk to me anymore. There are many possibilities of what could happen.

Here is the downfall to all these wildest dreams (Taylor Swift Song). He is moving at the end of this semester. I will probably never see him again. I mean I might but I highly doubt it. We are friends on FaceBook but I doubt we will ever text or anything like that. It would be different if he were not moving.

How would it be different?

I do not know. It could be that I could tell him all these things. He could be my first close guy friend. He could me my first lover. He could be so many things but it will never happen because he is moving away. He actually lives where I used to live in Tennessee. That was way before I lived in Alabama. He also lives in the same exact town that I used to live in. The coincidence is weird. It is like a sign that we were bound to be together. I doubt it though. There could be multiple things that could happen but never will because he is moving. I wish I could understand things that are more complicated but I cannot. I am only a teenager. What do you except me to know about relationships? I know the basics and that is about it. I am a teen. I know how to cook; clean my room and my bathroom, talk about things, and watch YouTube. That is my life at my age. I am enjoying it while I am young because once I get a job then I will have to live and have responsibilities.

What do you want Ash?

AUDIENCE!!!!

I want to love someone. I want to have someone to have over at my house (besides my mom and her asshole boyfriend) to sleep over so we can cuddle. I want someone that is always there for me. I want to have someone to care for me and help me get through my pain. I want to have someone who is smart, hot, and funny. Brayan is all of those things. I want to have someone to cry on and to hug. I want to have someone that we can kiss. I want to tell someone that I love him. I want him to tell me that he loves me too.

I want all those things but that is going to take work to accomplish. Whenever I do find love, I want to have someone to come home too. I mean I want to have someone that has my back.

#BRASHTON

#BRASHTON will live on until my friends forget about. It will follow me everywhere with them. Brayan is hot and all but....

I have my friends. Nessa and Kat are all that I need. They are the two people who will get me through school. They have been there for me no matter what I go through. I tell them everything.

PLOT TWIST: Nessa and Kat, I love you more than I love Brayan.

I hope that Nessa and Kat are happy with my decision.