Confessions of Brashton

Chapter 20: Crush All You Want!!!!

Let me tell you one thing: You can have as many crushes as you want. I have about three or four. I think that you are allowed to just look right? I mean why else are they called "eye candy." Let us just say that one day you decide that I am going to ask my crush out well you have more guts than me. I am brave it is just am I that brave? Bravery to some people means that they do things that everyone else is scared to do. Bravery to me means that it is having enough integrity, courage, and strong heart to endure the consequences that could come of your "brave choice." So you want to ask your crush out right? Let us just say you are in my shoes. Would you? You are a guy that is asking another guy out. Do you want a secret like that to be out? If he says no, do you trust that he will keep it secret? It is the hardest thing ever. I had a crush on this girl one time and I asked her out and she said no. (Later to find out that she liked me but had a boyfriend at the time.) That is a secret that to many people did not care about.

BUT..........

If you are at my age, 14, and you want to ask this really hot guy out what goes through your head? I was about 8-9 when that girl said no to me. I never really knew the girl but I thought she was pretty. Would you risk letting a secret out that you liked a boy?

NO!!!!

I am not going to do it. I kinda want to but think about if he says no. My high school life would be ruined. I mean I would have my friends but my friends can only do so much. Will they be able to help me with emotional pain?

YES!!!!

My friends have helped me through everything. I have always helped them and they have always been there for me when I was sad or feeling depressed. Will they be able to handle the fact that I liked a boy and asked him out?

YES!!!!

Nessa, Kat, and Vivy said that they will support me no matter what. They promised that no matter what they will love me the same. I wish I had enough time to tell him everything but I just do not. It is hard looking at someone and knowing that you will take a risk in liking him. It is hard to think about it. It is the matter of putting your trust into someone.

What if he says yes, then what? What will we do? How can we keep it secret? Will we tell our parents? What will they do if they found out? What would the whole school do if they found out? What is it about us that makes people mad? Will we talk more? Will we hold hands or stay at each other houses? Will he kiss me? Will he protect me from anything or anyone? Will we have sex? Will he tell me that he loves me?

Do I want to take a risk that is based on a simple yes or no?

These are the thoughts that go through my head everyday that I see him. I think that I will just stick to talking in a very causal way. Saying hey and bye and that is it.

Will it be enough? Will I stop thinking about him?

Thoughts. These are just my thoughts that I go through everyday. It is hard to think about asking someone out. It would be different if two girls went out.

What about if guys when out?

It is like a cry for help that I can not fill. It is a hole in my heart that can not be filled. I want him but I know he does not want me. It is harsh to think about it. To like someone and know that they probably do not like you that way. Going through everyday and talking to him as though it is just a mutual friendship when you know that you want so much more. Want is another word for saying that you do not want him but you want him for who he is not for who you want him to be. It makes me wonder if I would change if I ever asked him out. Change is something I do not need right now. I just want love. I want someone to hold me and kiss me. I want someone to tell me that they love me and will let me lay on their chest when we are in bed. I want someone that will accept me no matter what. I want someone who will not try to fix me but will cherish me. I want someone to care about me and my issues. I want to know what it feels like to have someone by your side at all time that is there for you. I want to argue with someone about stupid subject and topics. I want to cry with him, talk with him, and cuddle with him.

I just want love.