The past few days, Cara's acting really strange. She's been really clingy and shit. She's doing things only couples do. Hugging me from behind, tucking my hair behind my ears, staring at me, she doesn't even let me do things. It's weird. . .
Like one time, they played at this bar. Then when they finished they started fixing their things, like guitars and some things i don't know what to call, then I started helping them and carry one of the bags but she take it from me, saying "oh princess, just stay at the van."
And what's with that pet name. "Princess" really? is she high or on some dope?
Jourdan and Cara are now buying some food for us at some grocery store. So I'm left with Rita and Suki.
"So "princess", what's with you and wifey?" Rita asked, smirking.
I look at her frowning, not really getting what she's implying to.
I look at Suki, and they both are waiting for my answer, then it clicked. Are they saying that there's something fishy going on with Cara and me?
No. No. No. I thought Cara was really just sweet or just really love cuddles, that's why she's that close to me and Suki.
"Okay. Okay. There's nothing really going on. Even me, I feel somewhat strange or weirded by her, but I thought maybe she's just really sweet or something for looking out for me after that incident at Pheonix." I answered, truthfully.
Suki stifles a laugh.
"Are you really that numb?" she asks.
Whoa. That hurts. But maybe I am. After Gigi, I quite stop thinking things through. I smile, I laugh but I don't think I really meant any of it.
After her, everything that surrounds me just felt nothing. I don't feel anything. Maybe the first time I ever felt like a pinch of change was when I saw Cara that night, but that's it.
I thought she was hot and a good lay. I know she's attracrive but never in a million years I will look at her that way I look at Gigi. She'll always be in my heart and I promised her, no one else would be there instead of her.
"I don't know." I answered Suki, looking down. I feek like I'm on a hotseat.
"Love, this is the first time I've seen Cara be close or sweet to any girl other than Suki. So if you don't have any plan of keeping her or even being in a relationship with her, love it's better not to lead her on." Rita said, seriously.
"I am NOT leading her on. She's the one. . . " I stopped when the door opened.
"Hey princess, got you something, you mentioned you love starburst, so here." Cara said handing me a bag of starburst.
Wow. She is an intentive listener, I'll give her that, but no, I have to stop this bullshit, if Rita thinks I'm leading her on, then this needs to stop.
I looked at Rita, then at Cara, and I just shook my head, "I don't want any of it." I said, dislike can be heard on my voice. Then I looked out the window.
"But you said. . ." Cara said, sounding hurt.
Then there was an awkward silence in the van.
*Rita coughs.*
"If she don't want it, I want it." Rita exclaimed.
Followed by Suki, "Me too!"
The van started again and we're again on the road, Jourdan was at my side.
If Rita said not lead her then I won't. I don't want hurting anybody else too. I know what heartbreak is, it's agonizing.
It's dark. It feels like you're trapped in a hole, no light, and all you can hear is how your heart slowly beating and tearing into pieces.
I just want Gigi. Maybe if she's still here, we'll be married and out in the public. Maybe I'm holding her hand or kissing her from her neck to her shoulder blades. Oh she love that. Especially when I play with her fingers or leave hickeys on her neck when she has a photoshoot the next day. She'll punch me playfully on the arms saying I'm giving her make up artists a hardtime.
Oh god I miss her, all the things I'd do just to hear her laugh again, even see her smile or wink.
I didn't realize I was crying, when Jourdan point it out on me, "Babe, you ok?" she asks, rubbing my back and wiping my cheeks with her thumb.
I just hugged her and cry on her shoulders. I really just wanted her back.
. . . . . . . . . .
