A Redneck's Wicked Game (A Daryl Dixon Story)

Forgiving Yourself

Chapter 29-Forgiving Yourself

It's been a couple weeks since I torched my parent's house. I'm feeling so much better about things in general but I know I still have a long way to go. Daryl has been very careful with me since the incident at the cabin. He was mortified when he realized he left bruises on my arm from when he grabbed me. He scared me a little when he initially grabbed me but deep down I knew he wouldn't hurt me. I know he's worried that he won't be able to control his anger and will end up hurting me but I keep telling him that I know he's better than that. He's been so gentle with me over that last week or so that it's actually driving me crazy. I want him to understand that I like the rough side of him, in fact it's one of the reasons I fell for him in the first place. I'm not sure what I need to do to get him to realize that.

Rowan's POV

It's mid-day but the weather is damp and cold, even though the sun is out and high in the sky. We've been working on the farm truck most of the day. It has a transmission issue and if we ever need to get out of here in a hurry, we'll need it. I'm underneath the truck trying to figure out if the transmission is slipping because of a seal or if something more serious like the flywheel is the cause. Daryl's up under the hood making sure the engine is secure so I can get into the transmission. I can hear him grunting as he loosens an engine mount to pull the engine up out of the way so I can get the front seal off the transmission. He kicks my foot with his boot, "Hey princess, git outta there in case this damn thing slips." I sigh and shimmy out from underneath the truck, looking up at him. I watch his arm flex as he works the bolt making me groan, "Yer more of a distraction when I'm out here." He glances down at me and smirks, "Sorry if I'm making yer panties wet princess, I'm working here." I wipe my greasy hands on a rag, leaning against the bumper as he goes back to the engine mount.

He finally loosens the bolt and grabs the chain to secure it round the engine. I hop up off the ground and tighten the chain wrapped around a nearby tree with the come-along. I ratchet the winch tighter taken up the slack in the chain until it's holding the engine firm. "Thanks princess, I think we got it secure" he calls back to me. I nod, "This mean I can git my ass back under there and git the damn front seal off?" He leans back on the grill of the truck, wiping his hands off on the rag he took out of his back pocket. I walk over to him and he grunts, "Yeah, it's all yours now sweetheart." He grins at me and I ask, "What?" He reaches over with the rag and wipes at my nose, "Ya got some grease on ya." I shrug, "I'll have more on me in a minute." He pulls a leaf out of my hair, "You're a bit of a mess Rowan, I like it though." I roll my eyes, "Yeah 'cause dirty is so sexy." He smirks, "Ya seem to think so." I laugh, "Yeah well it works great for you, not so much for me." He glances around before kissing me lightly on the lips, muttering, "Not from where I'm standing." I sigh, "Yer so weird." He chuckles, "Not as weird as you." I stick my tongue out at him before getting down, crawling under the truck. He watches me as I wiggle myself back under the engine towards the tranny. I holler up at him, "Can ya pass me the damn wrench I left on the bumper?" He passes me the wrench before getting back under the hood to look down at me, "Ya got enough strength to git them bolts off?" I grunt as I turn the wrench, "Yeah, I'm not an fucking weakling." He shakes his head as he peers down at me, "Not makin' fun of ya Rowan, damn." I sigh, "Sorry, I'm a bit of a bitch today. Got my damn period this morning; I feel like shit." He sighs, "Again?" I look up at him, "Well I do git it every twenty eight days Daryl." He nods and mutters, "I know; I just thought you'd be pregnant by now. It's been a couple of months since we stopped using anything; ain't like we haven't been trying." I nod as I answer, "I know, I guess I ain't that easy to knock up." He nods as he looks down at me a little disappointment on his face. I stop turning the wrench and tell him, "If it's meant to be, it will happen. Nothing we can do that we ain't already doing." He sighs, "I know, I just feel like I'm failing ya." I'm surprised that he'd think this was his fault and softly say, "This ain't yer fault Dare, for all we know this could be me. We'll just keep trying and hopefully it will happen. Don't change how I feel 'bout ya." He gives me a small smile, "Doesn't change how much I love ya either princess." I smile and go back to the transmission seal.

Once I get the front seal off, I take a look in the housing and mutter, "Dammit." Daryl grunts, "Whatcha find princess?" I grumble, "Fuckin' flywheel is cracked and it's missing a couple of teeth. That's why it ain't shifting fer shit and popping outta gear." He cusses under his breath, "Fuck, we can't catch a damn break can we?" I shimmy out from under the truck as I mutter, "Never fuckin' seems like it huh?" He hands me a rag and I wipe my hands as I sigh, "Looks like we'll have to go into town and see if the auto parts store has one. We'll need transmission fluid and new gaskets too."

He nods, "Guess we'll have to walk it 'cause we shouldn't be going into town with only two of us. Since we only have the ATV, I don't see any other way to git there other than our feet." I sigh, "That trip will take most of the day, especially if we can't find a car to drive back when we're done." "I'll let Rick know and we'll get a team ready fer tomorrow," Daryl tells me. I nod, "I think we should be well armed, I've got a bad feeling. I want Trey as well as Abraham on this run." Daryl nods, "I'm coming too, Rowan." I grin, "You better believe it! I don't go nowhere without ya." He looks relieved as he nods in agreement. I kiss his cheek quickly as I whisper, "Did ya really think I'd leave ya behind?" He shrugs, "I wasn't sure if ya trusted me."

I shake my head, "What happened at the cabin didn't make me stop trusting ya, Daryl. I wish you'd git that through yer thick stubborn head." He glares at me, "I almost lost control! I hurt ya 'cause of my anger, you shouldn't trust me!" I take a deep breath as I look him in the eye, "Listen to me Dare, ya need to make peace with what happened out there! I forgave ya the minute it happened and if I can forgive ya, you can forgive yerself!" The look in his eyes is one I've only seen once before; fear, just like the day I got stung by the hornets. I reach my hand up and touch his cheek as I softly tell him, "I trust you more than anything Dare." He stares at me while his mind turns; fighting that internal battle that's so much part of our broken psyche. He finally says, "You deserve so much more than me." I caress his cheek as I whisper, "You are a good man Daryl Dixon and doubt I am worthy of you but I want no one else by my side for the rest of my life." I lean in and gently kiss his rough chapped lips. He's a little stunned by my words and just stands there as I kiss him. I pull away and give him a small smile, "Come on Dare, let's go talk to Rick and figure out some plans for tomorrow." He remains silent as he follows me inside the mill.

****Just a short chapter to lead into better stuff. Please comment and vote. I appreciate all your feedback. I'm almost done the next chapter so I may post that tonight too! Let me know how much you want me to upload a second chapter tonight.