Answer Me

Chapter 6

I didn't go straight back to my room after my last class of that day. My emotions were not stable enough for Ann to see. She would ask a lot and I wouldn't be able to be in a good mood to answer everything. Ann would never understand. I had been telling her that these insecurities and anxiety were disturbing but, she kept saying it was okay. Since that time, I preferred not to tell her anything about my wrecked thoughts. I was afraid if I would accidentally scold her or say wrong things. Prevention is better than cure they said.

I had nowhere to go but, I let my feet to take me to anywhere. The sky was a dull grey of quilt. Somewhere up there echoed with thunders. The wind blew in a swish of rush, lowering the temperature to frigidness. I remained placid about the coming rain despite being aware of having no umbrella and jacket.

Somehow, I wished Sam was with me. She would get it. She would always say things that would make me feel alright. She would always say it in her own unique way, outspoken and honest. She would not act as if she cared. You could sense the genuineness of her concern. But now, she was not beside me anymore.

I had no one to talk to.

My feet had brought me to the park. Don't worry much. I hadn't gone too far. If anyone considered me missing - was there any who cared if I was missing? - it wouldn't be so hard to find. Due to the predicted downpour which I could tell by the darkening spread above me, there was barely no one at the park. I sat on a wooden bench, struggling to clear my thoughts. I liked it when there were not many people around me. At least, I wouldn't see eyes that looked at me with disgust or lips that moved to savage my appearance and acts.

I hated to hate myself but, I couldn't help it. I wasn't belong to this community filled with beauty. The thought bludgeoned my chest so hard I let out a loud sobbing. The tears that deluged in my eyes fell down my cheeks so fast, ceaselessly. That was the first time I really cried out loud because of sheer frustration.

No. I cried because of my own hatred. My own hatred towards my own self.

The only sounds that could be heard at the silent park were the falling rain and my wailings. The rain soaked my whole body and accompanied my flowing tears to sodden my face. My chest and throat ached because of too much wailing and sobbing. It hurt. How could I stop it when that was the only thing I could do to let it all out?

In the midst of the noise of my sorrow, my phone rang. I fished it out of my pocket not caring of the teeming rain to damage my phone. I didn't glance at the screen at all to see who my caller was. Hunching on the wet bench in waterlogged clothes, I answered the call, still whimpering.

"Hello. Is this - "

"Why do I hate myself like this? Why can't I love myself? Why can't I accept myself? Please tell me the answer. Please. Please. Please." I didn't mean to let it all out but, those words just burst out of my mouth without me realizing it.

"I'm sorry. I might have called the w - "

"Help me. Am I that hideous? Can't I fit in here? Am I that horrible? I don't know the answer. I will never know it. I need someone to tell me the answer. I can't... I can't... I can't live like this anymore. I can't... see myself anymore when people see me and tell me things I can never bear. Help me. Help." The last 'help' trailed and disappeared with my cries. I kept wailing with the phone at my ear. I didn't know why I couldn't stop my words from striking out. The caller was silent but, he was still there. I could hear him breathing hard. That was when I realized that I didn't check who my caller was. Oh God. "Oh my God. I'm sorry. I'm so so so so sorry. Just pretend that never happened, okay? Bye." I apologized in the clumsiest way ever.

"Wait!"

Huh?

"Hey, if you feel that way, I'm begging you not to hate yourself anymore, okay? No one is born ugly. You are not an exception. And if you think you're unaccepted in this world, please bear in mind that you are here in this world for a reason. So there's no way for you to not be accepted. But if people make you feel that way, remember, there's always gonna be people trying to keep you in the dark but that's when you shine brighter than ever. So please, do not hate yourself. If you do not love yourself, who else in this world will love you as much as you can towards yourself? Remember that always, okay?"

My tongue was tied. My tears ceased. My eyes were swollen. My head couldn't process what word should I say to this mysterious caller which I found his voice familiar. I opened my mouth to say something but nothing came out. The rain had stopped.

"Hello, miss. Are you still there?"

Silence. My mouth was still widely opened.

"Never mind then. But I hope you won't feel that way anymore. I'm begging you, seriously, to not to hate yourself. No matter who you are, I know you are a person who will make a difference to this world. Love you. Bye."

Beep.

I murmured with shivers all over my body "Thank you."