The Death of Me

Chapter Eight

Chapter Eight

            For weeks, I watched from the sidelines as Jay and Gabby’s relationship grew. In the beginning, when we had first met, I had been so excited to meet someone that didn’t fit the mold of the jerk guys I usually met. I never dated one guy that actually cared about me, and no one talked to me like Jay had— like what I said mattered to him. And it wasn’t just that. It was how he made me feel. I didn’t feel stupid or nervous; I felt comfortable, and when he laughed at what I said I felt funny, and when he looked at me with those incredible green eyes, I felt beautiful.

            And in the beginning, I had hope that maybe… possibly… he could be with me instead of Gabby, before they got too serious and major damage was done. But I didn’t step in, and even as we grew closer as friends and Gabby began to come second like she never had with previous boyfriends of mine, I still didn’t tell him how I felt.

            I know I should have. That first night that I met him, I should have told him that I had this feeling… like we really had a connection, as cliché as that sounds, and that we should meet up again. But now it was too late, and I couldn’t torture myself with the should have’s.

            But each night, I couldn’t stop thinking about Jay. I mean, not only was he extremely good-looking, but he actually gave me the time of day, and laughed when I laughed. He did that thing where he glanced at me after he said a joke, like he was checking to see if I was smiling or laughing. I always was.

            I kept to my private promise, so I didn’t talk to him too much after that morning when I saw them kissing outside. I hadn’t touched him, or even “accidentally” brushed against him. When he tried to catch my eye, I stayed stubborn and looked away.

            Secretly, I was hoping desperately that he would break up with Gabby, and then tell me that he had strong feelings for me. And then I would tell him I felt the same, and… everything would fall into place from there. But even if he were to break up with her, I didn’t stand a chance with him, unless Gabby approved… which I knew she wouldn’t. By now, they were in a serious relationship. These were seldom comings with Gabby, so I knew I no longer was eligible for a relationship with him.

            And I had to wonder… why him? Out of all guys in our town, which I had to admit wasn’t a lot, but still; out of all of our school, she was with Jay? I felt my stomach twist every time she cooed, “Ben!” I wanted to yell, “That is not. His. Name!”

            As if things couldn’t get worse, they were now ridiculously cute. Holding hands, whispering to each other, sneaking kisses when they thought no one was looking, and playing footsie. I was practically spitting with anger nowadays. I knew I should’ve just moved on, but… thoughts of Jay plagued my mind, all the time. I was so happy when he was around, even if Gabby was there. I had to look away when they were together, because it almost physically hurt to see them as a couple.

            To add on to that, now that I had backed off from Jay, Gabby and I were back to how we used to be; bickering at times, but at the end of the day, sisters who loved each other and revealed their darkest secrets to each other. This made every thought I had of longing for Jay come with guilt tagged on.

            To make matters more complicated, Isaac took a sudden interest in me, and not even because he thought Jay liked me. He kept calling, asking me out usually. I would politely decline, but we had gone on a couple of “dates.” They weren’t actual dates, just more like us hanging out just the two of us, sometimes to the movies… but I knew he thought more of them than I did. It made me feel bad, and especially because I think I was falling in love with his younger brother, and I knew if he found out, he would be feeling how I was feeling.