The Death of Me

Chapter Eleven

Chapter Eleven

My guilt was killing me.

I felt like I was about to explode.

I was paranoid that the next thing that came out of my mouth would be, “I kissed my sister’s boyfriend!” I was scared to even open my mouth to cough. Hell, I was afraid to open my mouth to even breathe! I had to tell Gabby. I couldn’t take it anymore. It hadn’t even been a day, it was only the morning after, and I already felt the guilt eating away at me like a parasite.

I had tossed and turned until 4 in the morning, when I finally managed to fall asleep. And now, tired and cranky and paranoid, I kept my mouth shut. I decided it would be wise to talk to Jay about this first, see if he was going to tell her, if I was, or if we were going to break the news together.

But other variables were at play, too. What if he thought it was nothing, and therefore, not worth ruining his relationship for? What if he was actually a complete douche bag and wanted to keep it a secret? I knew I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t lie to my little sister about something like this. She didn’t deserve that, no matter how much I had begun to resent her. We had been so close the last couple of days, like the sisters we used to be, with an unbreakable bond and familiar friendship. We were finally patching things back up, and now, I was going to ruin it all.

I was a mess that morning. I didn’t wear any make-up, which meant my latest stress-related break-out would be on full display, my cheeks red and irritated. Not to mention my ugly beard of acne. I had barely managed to brush my hair, it had been so tangled, but my hands were shaking so much that I gave up working at a knot and just let it be wild and wavy. I wore a knit cap pinned into my hair, hiding my dry scalp. I just hoped I wouldn’t get in trouble with dress code, since hats weren’t allowed at school. I had stumbled into my favorite pair of worn jeans, which I hadn’t realized until later would be like hell, even in the literal since, because the temperature was still in the high 90s, and a fitted, light blue T-shirt and sandals. The only thing that was attractive about me was that my eczema had faded on the crooks of my elbows, which meant my skin wasn’t all discolored and dry. Still, not much of an improvement.

Gabby was eyeing me weirdly as she ate her Captain Crunch. She knew something was up. I hadn’t said a single word since we disentangled our bodies from each other this morning— we both liked having the whole bed to ourselves. She had complained, and I guess I was expected too complain back, but I felt my shame bubbling up my throat like bile. I could barely look her in the eye.

Unfortunately, all through the rest of the day at school, I didn’t find Jay anywhere. I did, however, get the chance to eat at a different table with Holly and some of my old middle school friends, without Isaac there to harass me. It felt good to catch up with old friends, and for the first time that day, I didn’t feel like an ass. But it didn’t last long.

After school, like a German shepherd, I hunted down Jay. Holly had informed me that they had swapped schedule information, and she knew that last period, he had Mrs. Hawthorne for English. The classroom happened to be just down the hall from my classroom, so I was in the hopes of catching up to him before he left with his brother for home.

I walked briskly down the hallways, shoving past people and muttering ‘excuse me’ randomly. I spotted a him farther ahead through the crowd of condensed bodies, and then I lost him again. I was shorter than most of the people I went to school with, which wasn’t exactly an advantage for me, but the good thing about being small was that I could maneuver through the crowd with ease, squeezing between people and making my way out the doors quicker than others could.

I saw Jay walking towards the parking lot, and just as he reached the curb, I yelled his name. He didn’t hear me.

The crowd lessened as I reached the green, and I ran towards him, hoping to catch him before he stepped off the lawn and to the parking lot.