Limerence | I

32. Okay - Xavier

Astrid didn't look the same. Maybe it was her unusually pale skin, or maybe it was because she wasn't smiling from ear to ear like I was used to seeing. She wasn't talking my ear off, or laughing uncontrollably, or humming her favorite song. For the first time, she was quiet and calm. She rested in her open casket with her curly hair tied up into an updo. She wore a flowing white dress that made her look even more angelic than she usually did. For a moment, I thought I saw her smile but I soon realized that it was just a memory replaying in my head. I hated myself. 

The last time I saw her, I was telling her how much I hated being with her. I called her selfish, clingy, and controlling. But how the hell was I supposed to know that this was going to happen? Even though there might have been some truth to it, I hated that those were the last words I said to her. I planned on eventually telling her that I forgave her for all the things she did. And even though I realized she wasn't the one for me, we would forever have an unbreakable bond. We'd been through so much together that I would always have a special place in my heart for her. So it was driving me insane to know that she was gone forever. 

Charli was the one to tell me what happened. About 20 minutes after our little disagreement in class, she gave me a call telling to rush over to Astrid's. I could tell by the urgency in her voice that something was wrong. By the time I got there, there were already police cars and ambulances crowded in front of the building. I spotted Charli immediately speaking to a police officer with tear stained cheeks. Even though she came over to tell me what happened, I already knew. As much as I felt like my world was crashing down, I kept my composure to comfort  her. And now, here we were at Astrid's funeral. 

I placed my hand on top of Astrid's folded hands. They were cold but I didn't mind it. I didn't realize that tears were falling from my eyes until there was a hand on my shoulder. I turned my head to see Astrid's mother wiping away hers. I corrected my posture, trying to keep myself together. She didn't speak but she pulled me into a hug. She was always such a strong woman that it wasn't surprising to see her keep calm. I knew she was in more pain than anyone else in the room but somehow she was the one comforting everyone else. "Thank you, Mijo." She always called me her son.Ever since I was younger, she treated me like one of her own. 

"For what?" I asked, pulling away. She placed her small hands on the sides of my face and looked up at me. Her lips curled into a smile. How she managed to smile at a time like this, I have no idea. 

"You were always by her side. Even through the ups an the downs. " She said. I lowered my head. I assumed that Astrid didn't tell her about all of the terrible things I said to her. I was sure she would hate me if she knew. But she was always one step ahead of me. "She told me what happened between the two of you." She said. My eyes darted up to look at her. She wasn't angry like I expected her to be. 

"I didn't think it would have this much of an impact on her." I said apologetically with watering eyes. My voice threatened to crack. She used her thumb to wipe away the tears that rolled down my cheeks. 

"Don't blame yourself." She shook her head. "She knew what she did was wrong and she understood why you were angry with her. She knew that you would forgive her one day. But she had so much more going on that she just couldn't handle it. It's no one's fault." She explained. It made me feel so much better to know that Astrid knew that I didn't hate her. But a part of me still wondered if she would still be here if I'd stuck by her. She wiped away the last of my tears and stood on her tip toes to plant a kiss on my forehead. "I love you, Mijo." She whispered before walking past me. I walked toward the exit doors. On my way, I walked directly past Alex. He didn't speak to me and I didn't speak to him. When I left the room, I saw Charli talking to a guy in the hallway. I immediately recognized him as Kenneth. A fire burned inside of me as I stomped toward them. 

"What are you doing here, Kenneth?" I stood between him and Charli. His mouth curled into a smirk and made me even angrier. 

"It's been a long time." He extended his hand for me to shake but I refused. When he realized that I wasn't going to pretend to be his friend, he placed his hand back in the pocket of his black slacks. "Anyway, I was just having a chat with Charli. I came to pay my respects to Astrid but then saw a familiar face. We met a few days ago at Starbucks." He smiled. I glanced back at Charli to see that she looked a bit uncomfortable. 

"You've got some nerve to show up here. " I responded. He chuckled, amused. I just couldn't understand how someone could be so disgustingly satisfied with actions such as his. It made me sick to my stomach. 

"Actually, me and Astrid were really close." He mocked me. My heart started beating out of my chest and it took everything in me to keep myself calm. Today was not the day. I could feel Charli tugging at arm but I didn't pay her any mind. "I'm sure you already knew that." 

"If you know what's best for you, you'd leave." I motioned toward the exit. She smiled one more time, making sure to catch Charli's eyes before walking away. I released a long sigh, relieved that he was gone. I turned around to face Charli and she looked relived as well. I wanted to know so badly what they were talking about but it wasn't the time to ask. 

"Are you okay?" She asked me. I rolled my eyes, annoyed. I wasn't really annoyed with her but it was a dumb question. How could I possibly be okay? The girl I'd been with for years committed suicide, The guy that got her pregnant thought it would be funny so mock me, Alex and I weren't talking anymore, I just found out that my dad was a criminal, and Charli was lied to me about it for God knows how long. So no, I wasn't okay. 

"I'm fine." I lied and attempted to walk away. She walked quickly, trying to keep up with me. 

"Obviously, you're not. You haven't even spoken to me since all of this started." She complained. I stopped and she stopped in front of me. There were people around, so I kept my voice quiet. 

"Because I don't want to talk. I don't need you on my ass. Actually, all I want is for you is to leave me alone right now." I walked away and left her alone. I didn't mean to be so harsh but I was just saying what was on my mind. I had bigger things to worry about than Charli's feelings at the moment. 

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