red love (z.m.)

11. The Truth

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Song for this chapter: Halsey- New Americana

"Pistanthrophobia; fear of trusting people due to past experiences with relationships gone bad."

"15?!" Zayn shrieked. Not helping Zayn.
"Yes Zayn, 15. Will you now be quiet please?" I look at him impatiently. Not wanting to have this conversation anyway. "Anyway, so we started hanging out in high school and we went out with same friends, at the same clubs, coffee shops and other places. We seemed to be always on one place, together. So we started hanging out more, just the two of us. First it was just for school, we did some projects and essays together but then he started coming to my house just to talk or watch a movie." I take a breath. Zayn watching me with fool concentration. "So then I went to his house and some of his friends were there and they started to make fun of me and you know how that goes, but Michael stood on my side and got into a fight with them. He threw them out and we stayed in his bed cuddling and just talking. I never really thought of my feeling but when I did I realized that I've been deeply in love with him. But it was too late to go back. We were 17 when we slept together, yeah he took my
V-card and I was really happy about it. Vanessa started to get involved into our relationship because Michael and I started fighting a lot an so she was supposed to calm us but instead she slept with him." I look down at my hands in my lap, playing with my shaking fingers. Shaking my head in disappointment.. "He fucking cheated on me after two years of knowing each other and one year of relationship. I should've known, I was so stupid back than, so blinded and useless. After that everything started going downhill and I was the one that suffered the most." I take in a sharp breath, preparing mentally myself for this part.

"Anyway, one night he came home, really pissed and drunk. He also took some kind of drugs which made him worse. So that night I was still awake waiting for him, but that was a bad decision. He started yelling at me, assaulting me and I stood there listening to him and doing nothing. I cried like a fool and denied every word he said, trying to calm him. But that was a stupid move. Never mind he pushed me by the nearest wall and started kissing me everywhere, not feeling it when he was drunk I pushed him away and that was once again a bold move. Because he came right back at me with a flying fist to my face. That wasn't the first time he hit me, I got used it. It wasn't often but when he was on his pills or alcohol I expected to get a few punches and got back to sleep. But that night.. That night was something worse, something beyond worse."

I wipe away a single tear, remembering that filthy scene.

"And so he started punching me and then it clicked in his mind when he started unbuttoning my shirt and ripping of my jeans. It was getting out of control but I couldn't do anything, I was weak and I was in love. I wanted to stay with him but at the same time I wanted to leave.  I guess love always beat me to it and I stayed." I remembered his dark shade of blue eyes when it happened.

"He a owned an apartment and he was living alone, so I moved in with him. Long story short , yeah he raped me. He used me and threw me like a trash. He beat me to my last breath and he then threw me like I'm the most unimportant person to him. He was my life I thought about marring him and having a family with him once, but he destroyed himself. He destroyed me also along the way. I thought it was the end of the world everything was crashing down at me and I was hurt so bad. My whole body was aching for days and he didn't even apologized, not even once. That bastard I should've known." I close my eyes remembering the pain he caused me. I'm so glad that's behind me far away. I think.

"That night I moved out and went to my parents but didn't tell him anything. I couldn't. Sky is the only person that know that, and now you.. I was getting away from it for a few months and I was going well. Hell I was doing pretty well. But now that I've seen him everything is coming back and I just can't stand it anymore. I can't take it. That night left a scar on me,'y heart and my whole body. Ever since I feel so dirty and I haven't had sex since then. I couldn't, I was ashamed of myself for so long and it started to go away. All the pain, shame and memories but then he came. He ruined it all. He ruined me. But I won't let him do this again, I am stronger now I promise. He doesn't know me anymore, I'll come back for him once." I sigh placing my hands on my lap.