M Seeking M

Chapter 1

Author's Note: When I first started posting this story, I checked with a publisher that I was thinking about eventually submitting it to. They said, "Sure, go ahead and post it on Wattpad." Since then, I've had other conflicting advice to the tune of, "OH, don't do that!" 

WARNING: only the first chunk is going to be available here until I get a more firm grasp on who might slap my hand and for what. Sorry for the tease, but hopefully my caution will ease bringing this book into all forms of publication. Or as many as I can manage... I'm trying, ok people?  

Hearts from Michele!

Chapter 1 – Thirsty Succulents that I Leave at Work and Intestinal Injuries that I have to Hide

The disembowelment happened on a Tuesday morning. I remember that because of how excruciating it was to try to get through four work days until Friday. I was at my computer, early as usual, because the code really needs some quiet time, and Carson came in and sat on the corner of my desk. I spun around on my ball chair, smiled and reached down the stroke the velvety ears of his golden retriever, Chelsea.

"You know, I think I'm ready to start dating again," Carson said, picking at the cardboard sleeve around his Starbucks cup, not meeting my eyes. For some reason Carson felt moved to tell me stuff. Personal stuff. We'd never gone out together after work without the rest of the gang, but we were a tight company. It was part of the team building thing. The fourteen of us had to hang out, go for dinners, drink beer on Fridays, even travel together every now and then. We had to get along.

Unfortunately, Carson was really hot.

I'd been crushing on him for over two years now. Even worse, he was gay.

"Oh yeah?" I said. His cheekbones, my god, so beautiful. His hair was just a little bit ginger, and he had one of those beard trimmers so he always had this stubble that glimmered auburn in the sun. Sometimes I just stared at him while he talked. Today, I couldn't quite manage it. My 30th birthday was looming and I really wanted to ask him out. Even thinking about crossing that line between fantasy and reality made me start to sweat.

Carson frowned at me over his coffee cup. "You think I'm jumping back in too soon?" He looked like he really cared what I thought, which sent a flush of heat down into my stomach. Luckily, I'm half Persian, dark enough to pass for any minority and dark enough to hide most blushing.

"No, no. Not if you're ready," I said. The development room just had three work stations at the moment. Carson's station was in another room on our floor, since he was a high level tech support guy and had to talk to our clients. Last week, we'd had to troubleshoot a bug in the software together and we'd sat so close together in a board room, our shoulders brushing as we shared a laptop and walked the client through the issue remotely. Being that close to him had spurred a whole new chapter in our fantasy life together.

His smile got bigger and warmer and I had to curl my toes inside my shoes and look away again. He went on to tell me again about his ex and about getting closure on this and that. Part of my brain was shouting, "NOW, you fuckwad! Ask him NOW!" and another part was withering in dread. If he turned me down, it would be so hard to see him every day. I was pretty sure that Carson knew I was gay. I mean it's not like it was a secret, it just never came up since I never had anything to tell.

I pulled out some papers and pretended to be arranging them. I'd rehearsed it so many times in my head, it was actually a shock to hear the words come out of my mouth. "You know my birthday's coming up. We could go out for a beer or something." I could feel my face flush, and I ran my hands over the papers in a way that I prayed looked as if I could actually see them.

"Yeah, sure. Hey, can I bring a date? I've got this really cute guy on Grindr that I've been chatting with, and I mean god, who knows if the photos are even real, but I'm thinking to do it different this time. Like meet for dinner, you know? Like real adults. What do you think?"