Paper Kingdom

Seasons Greetings; I Can't Hold Myself Together

I stayed awake all night painting Frank. By the time i had stopped the sun was coming up. It was Sunday which meant Frank didn't have to work. I was secretly hoping he would want to stay all day with me.
I was still somewhat consumed in my work when Frank woke up.
"I've been watching you paint for a while..." His soft sudden voice scared me. I jumped a little. I laid my paint brush down and got up. I went to the bed and sat down by Franks feet.
"You look beautiful in the sunlight."
Frank hadn't taken his eyes off of me since he'd been awake. He was so good at making me feel warm and fuzzy.
"So do you, Frank."
I decided I was getting cold and that that would be a good excuse to crawl under the covers and cuddle Frank.
"I'm cold." I informed Frank as I got under the covers with him. He immediately laid his head on my chest and wrapped his arm around me.
We just laid there for the longest time, just existing in time with each other.
"Gerard..." Frank was buried in my chest so it was hard to hear him.
"Yes?" I sat up a little forcing him to sit up as well.
"I've never been this close to someone, I think I want to show you how much I love you."
"What do you mean?" I asked this question even though I knew what he meant.
"Let me show you."
Frank moved to where he was sitting in my lap, he started kissing me. First he kissed my lips, slow and passionate. He moved from my lips down my neck, he stayed in each place until i moaned of pleasure. He started sucking, i was going to have so many hickeys. As he was kissing my neck he moved his hand to my crotch. He began to run his hand over my dick. Slow and then fast. He then proceeded to grind on my dick.
I could feel Franks boner getting larger, which caused mine to get larger as well.

"Slut, slut, slut. Gerard you're a no good slut. You have sex with anyone that shows you any form of emotion. Don't do this to Frank."
Fuck the thoughts were coming back. No. Why couldn't i just be happy for once?

"Frank...Frank wait..." My breathing was hard because he'd turned me on so much. I was ready to jerk off right that instant, but the thoughts stopped me. I stopped him, a sadness consuming me.

"What? What's the matter?"

I had zoned out again after telling him to wait.

"Gerard, Gerard what's wrong?" I was brought back to earth by the panic in his voice.

"I'm... I..." I couldn't tell Frank. I couldn't do this. I lightly pushed Frank off of me and ran to the bathroom and locked the door. I felt like I was going to puke. Bob had ruined me. I don't think i'm capable of love after meeting that man.

That's a lie. I love Frank. I do.

I sat down with my back pressed against the bathroom door once I was sure I wasn't going to puke.

"Gerard..." Frank was talking, almost in a whisper. He was lightly knocking on the door as he tried to talk to me. I didn't say anything for the longest time. I felt like I couldn't.
Eventually I got up and opened the door. The sight of Frank caused me to break down. I started crying, my knees went weak, and i fell in Frank's arms. He caught me, and he held me as I cried. He didn't ask anything, he just wrapped his arms around me and rubbed my back. My face was buried in his face and i'm pretty sure i was getting snot all over him.
After probably 30 minutes of sobbing i finally pulled myself together. I don't know what it is about Frank, I never cry in front of anyone, ever, but when i'm with Frank i just lose all the walls i've put up. I'm completely open with him. And i'm afraid honestly.

I pulled away from Frank and blew my snotty nose into my sleeve. Before i could do it, Frank reached up and started to wipe away my tears. He looked at me with this unexplainable look. I almost started crying again.

"Gerard, what's the matter? Was it me? Should I not have done that?" He looked from my eyes to floor as he finished the question.

"That wasn't it, I was enjoying that, i just... i... i can't. Frank, I'm sorry. God you probably think i'm ridiculous. It's okay if you want to leave." I felt my heart shatter.

"I am not going anywhere, Gerard. I love you. It's okay. I understand. Whatever it is you can tell me about it whenever you feel up to it. Don't ever feel pressured to talk or do anything." Frank shifted his gaze back to my eyes. He took my hand in his and led me to the couch.

"I'd like to tell you a story, if you're okay with it."
I sat down and he sat sideways in my lap. He wrapped his arms around my neck and kissed my jaw and lips a few times.

"okay." That was the only thing i could say. I have no idea how Frank could be so patient. So kind. I hope this story is a good story. One that will calm me.

"I met a man in the strangest place once. I wouldn't call our first meeting the greatest way to see someone for the first time, but i would. This man had beautiful Green eyes. It's like they took a piece of my heart and soul each time the man looked at me. Had i not have just created a small disaster i would've payed way more attention to them. The disaster was that i had spilled coffee all over this man. But he didn't mind. He just laughed and introduced himself. And from that first encounter, he's been stilling my heart more and more. I wish i could give this man all the love in the world. Gerard, i love you so damn much it physically hurts my chest. I'm so glad i met you."

I couldn't help but smile from ear to ear. Frank made me the happiest anything or anyone had ever made me. I kissed him as passionately as i could.

Suddenly i remembered something. it shook me and caused me to physically jump.

"Shit, Frank, today is Christmas eve. Tomorrow is Christmas."

"So it is." Frank wasn't exactly too thrilled about Christmas i don't believe. It sounded like there was a hint of sadness in his voice. I was determined to make this the best Christmas for Frank.