Jersey

4

Chapter 4

Finding out that the guy across the hall not only tried to kill me in reality and in my dreams, he also suppose to be the father of my child. What type of foolery is this. I just can't wrap my mind around it. Why did I always have the luck of running into men who were just as crazy as me. First Jack than Jim now HIM! I can't take it. Looking at the clock it display 3 am. "Damn", I know for a fact I won't be going to sleep anytime soon. My brain is in full effect and wanted answers. Running to my office near the Kitchen, I grabbed some chips and soda. Sitting in the plush leather seat I powered on my computer. I needed to do some investigation on this guy. I began google his address to see if his name popped up, low and behold it did Cartier Ghalichi. I then went on to googling his name trying to finding out who was his family, where are they from, and so on.

Finally after hours or investigating I found out he was African American, Cuban and Korean. He is originally from louisiana, his brother twenty two at the time died when Cartier was twenty. That's it. That's really fucking it! He's like a houdini you can't find anything on him except public information. Becoming annoyed I dramatically ran my hands through my hair and looked around. I seen the sun peaking through the blinds causing me to walk over and look, my heart began to melt as I seen the sun meet the ground and began to rise creating the most beautiful sunrise I've ever seen. I began to think of my first love Jack, I really wished he wouldn't have let the money change him. We were suppose to be in it together until the end. Now here I am all alone by myself, running from this life and fighting demons on my own.

"Do you love me?" Jack asked as we sat on the beach watching the sunrise.

"Of course! I love you more than life itself"

"Are you going to hold me down when times get rough?"

"Yes just don't leave me hanging and promise me you will always come back to me."

"I promise baby girl" he leaned in and kissed me

Feeling something wet trickle down my cheek I turned and faced the floor length mirror. Sighing I let myself fall to the ground as I began to sob loudly. I haven't cried like this since my grandfather passed when I was five. I don't like this feeling. It felt like I lost someone near and dear to me, like a piece of me was just abruptly taken away. I have the biggest hole in my heart. I lost my lover, someone I confided in, my comforter, my business partner, and most important my best friend. How stupid am I to let someone else in knowing people are temporary everyone leaves eventually. But who knew it would always be when you needed them the most. I've grown to learn that I have separation anxiety. So I choose the not become attached to someone because I'll be devastated when they left like I am now. Not only do I have separation anxiety I suffer from depression- It feels like a dark cloud just follow you around. Therefore many of my decisions come from my wanting to inflict the same hurt onto others. I became someone I didn't recognize my love for material things grew. Why? because material things won't leave you and they are replaceable when lost. Many people say money can't buy you happiness but being broke can't buy you shit either. I would rather be unhappy with nice shit then broke with nothing. I feel like nothing I always felt like I wasn't good enough, not for my mother and damn sure not for my father. I felt unwanted so when I met Jack he gave me a reason to wake up,laugh, and love myself. My mind always explore the deepest parts of my soul. Crying more and more I laid my head on the fluffy carpet and cried. I cried for Jack. I cried of my grandfather. I cried for my sins. And I cried for me.

Waking up I tried to open my eyes but they were stuck together, causing me to physically pull them apart. "what the hell?" I said looking around noticing I was on the floor of my office. My head began to thump making me remember last night's events and me crying myself to sleep. Pushing myself up I gained stability and walked into my bedroom. Going into my closet I looked around and grabbed my Chanel tracksuit laying it down on my bed, I went into the jointed shoe closet and settled on my Jeremy Scott 3.0 golds. Turning into the bathroom I began to do my hygiene.