GONER

31 • Explosions and Moms Coming Around

A/N: I'm not sure if you guys have realized it yet, but most of the things I have Josh say to Tyler are things I want to say to all of you, because each and every single one of you are so deserving and worth it and underrated.

Like, look at you. Take an honest-to-god look at yourself and discover the undeniable truth regarding what you are.

This is also the part of the story where I reveal the song I've had picked to go with all of this since it started. The song was actually the only constant thing in this book aside from Tyler and Josh c:

This is so short, but the next two will probably be long :-) and I'll edit later yay

***

My mom was gone by the time I got back in, and I was thankful for it. Her questions weren't welcome, especially in my current state, which was disheveled to the point of suspicion. My hair was messy, my clothes were hanging half off of my body, and I knew my lips were swollen and bitten. But I had no one to look at me, seeing as the house was at a beautiful silence, and so I walked over to the couch with a lazy smile on my face, plopping down onto it like the most carefree person in the entire world. And maybe I was.

I felt like the universe could burst into blinding flame, but it would still be okay as long as Josh was. That could be a dangerous and ridiculous thing, considering how you looked at it, but I saw it as something to just watch. I wanted to see how far my emotions would take me, and if I was going to lose in the end. And the only way to know that would be to figure it out as you went along.

The remote lay beside me, where my mom must have left it. I never watched television, partly because I thought it was stupid, and because I never wanted to be in the same room as the woman who was supposed to raise me (and continue to raise me, though she was doing a terrible job), and so I turned it on, not prepared for the blast of noise that surged from it.

Jumping, I crossed my legs up on the couch, trying not to be as uncomfortable as I knew I was going to be in jeans this constricting, and tried to focus on the moving pictures. I never had the patience to watch any of it, but I tried. I was improving, and maybe I used to not be able to, but I might be able to now. Right? It makes sense.

Eventually, I had to turn the sound off. So it was truthfully, purely, one hundred percent silent throughout my entire house. And I could focus on everything so much better when I wasn't being distracted by noise, and, for the first time in months, months, my home was clear of negative energy, any enegry, and so was my head.

~~~

When I woke up, there was a blanket draped over my body, one that I hadn't put there, which told me it must have been my mother. I was still on the couch, though, and a dull ache traveled through my neck and spine, and I groaned lowly, the sound scratching at my throat. Confusion was seeping through me at an alarmingly slow rate, and I gave a small half yawn, pushing against the blanket on top of me.

It felt strange to be warm in a place that usually felt so cold to me, but that was okay, because I knew it wasn't going to last. The good news, essentially, was that she wouldn't be up until she had to go back to work tonight, which gave me a long time to do what I wanted.

Except for that fact that it was a Tuesday, or maybe not, depending on what time it was. To my relief, it was only four, which meant I could stay up until school started, and still be on my own. On my own, in the dark of my room with nothing but the light from my laptop, and that's alright.

~~~

Maybe I shouldn't have stayed up as long as I did, but if I hadn't, I would have never found Miss Atomic Bomb, which was the song that described Josh Dun. It was a song by The Killers, and I don't think I've ever known something so incredible. It was like looking at gorgeous clouds, and then listening to the song, and trying not to think about Josh, even though he's the kind of person you can't held but ponder.

And I knew that if what I was feeling for him could be put into words, those words would make up this song.

"I was new in town, the boy with the eager eyes. I never was a quitter, oblivious to school girls lies."

I tried as hard as possible not to smile like an idiot in the safety of my room, but I failed. Somehow, when it came to him, I always did. It wasn't even something optional.

"And when I look back on those neon nights, the leather seats, the passage right. I feel the heat, I see the light."

That was it. That was Josh. An absolutely devestating explosion that wiped away every ounce of everything I thought I knew, and thought I felt, to replace it with something honest and special and insane.

"Miss atomic bomb. We're making out, we got the radio on. You're gonna miss me when I'm gone, you're gonna miss me when I'm gone."

I felt like I should call and tell him I found a song that is exactly how I feel about him, but I didn't want to ruin this. I had to wait until it was over. I had to listen to this song and feel it play out and soak in the words and the feeling and the meaning, and recognize the fact that Josh was very literally crushing me.

"It feels just like a dagger buried deep in your back. You run for cover, but you can't escape the second attack."

I nodded to myself, ignoring the stinging tears blurring my vision. They weren't even happy tears, but they definetly didn't stem from sadness, and I glared down at the screen of my laptop, the image of the album cover turning into one runny mess.

"All that I wanted was a little touch. A little tenderness and truth, I didn't ask for much, no. Talk about being at the wrong place at the wrong time."

Was I at the wrong place at the wrong time? I mean, honestly, did it matter? Would I go back and change it, and make it so that him and I never meet, and that I never have to deal with this? Absolutely not.

"The dust cloud has settled, and my eyes are clear. But sometimes in dreams of impact I still hear, Miss Atomic Bomb. I'm standing here, sweat on my skin. And this love that I've cradled is wearing thin. But I'm standing here and you're too late
Your shock-wave whisper, has sealed your fate."

He was literally an explosion that detonated the expanse of my entire life, and he knocked down every plant and hope of life, but then he managed to grow it all back, and I just wanted to stay next to him forever. And I wanted to look at him forever. Even if the hollow of my cheekbones were smeared with tears that couldn't make up their mind, and if my brain was muddled by the thought of him and the brilliant realizations that just hit me directly in my face.

***

A/N: The thing is, I'm ridiculously fond of a girl with pretty blue hair and wide eyes and gentle sentence structure and small fingers and a quiet voice and she will probably never know the platonic extent of the adoration I hold for her but that is okay.