Not That Bad #Wattys2018

Chapter Twenty Five

I didn't think anything worse could happen. Except maybe the ground opening up and swallowing me and I was actually okay with that. But as I drive into the school parking loton Monday morning,  the first thing I see is this massive blown up photo of myself at the front of the school. But without a shirt.

Or bra.

My heart squeezes. They're pictures that I sent Jaq because he'd asked and I was stupid enough to succumb to his pressure and send them. So. Fucking. Stupid. He'd promise me that he wouldn't show anyone, but how can you trust anyone who asks for nudes in the first place?

A wave of despair washes over me. Despair and humiliation and complete disbelief. Part of me is waiting for my teeth to falling out and realize that it's all just a silly dream. The other part of me knows it isn't a dream. It's a freaking nightmare. My feet keep me walking toward the school, but all I want to do is turn and run. But I can't run forever. I'm going to have to face this now, right now or else it'll always be waiting for me. That's what Dad says. If you don't face your fears now, they'll always be waiting for you. Thinking of my parents now fills me with shame. I'd die if they saw this. Just die.

I look up at the picture and it's me looking back at myself. My expression doesn't seem so clever anymore. I can remember exactly what I thought when I took it. Jaq will like me more. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. A group of men are doing their best to get the picture down but it doesn't seem to be coming off. It's almost like the photo and the wall were one.

"Stay away from the ladder!" he yells at me but then he recognizes me as the girl from the picture and his face turns beet red. I walk under the ladder anyway. My luck could not get worse.

The hallways are filled with those horrible photos of me.

"Rits!" Levi snickers when I pass, "Get it? Rori's tits."

Declan and his friends laugh and make squeezing motions at my chest. I shove them out of my way, too humiliated to even open my mouth. What could I even say? Everything I say now could be used to taunt me. I've never felt the back of my eyes burn so much. But I can't let myself cry. Not now. Not yet.

I wash my face in the bathroom and black inky mascara melts around my eyes. Stupid fucking mascara. I should have used Mom's water proof one. I stare at my reflection. You know that feeling when you look at yourself for really long and realize that this is your face, that you're alive and breathing? The feeling that just creeps up your spine and knocks the breath out of you for a second. This is what you look like, you think. You could either like what you see or not. You could either change what you see or not.

I choose to change. I wipe off all the make up on my face.

Step one: Let them see the real you.

"Everyone knows you're not supposed to put your face in nudes." Some girls say when they enter the bathroom. I grab my bag and head to the door making sure I knock my shoulder into them first. They're wrong. You're not supposed to send nudes in the first place.

I duck into the closest empty classroom, shut the door and collapse onto the desk in an uncontrollable episode of tears. I hear the door open and close. "Rori." I hear Eli say. I know he's going to touch me. I move away before he has the chance.

"Do not touch me!" I scream. He yanks his hand away like I burnt him. "I don't know what you think I am, Eli, but I have feelings. OK? Don't fucking play with my fucking emotions!" I'm crying uncontrollably and hiccuping and looking like a complete mess. But who would care about my messy face when there were more interesting pictures of me all over the school?

"Rori." Eli says, "Listen. I am so sorry. I didn't mean to leave you. My mom went into labor this morning. I needed to bring her to the hospital. My dad's not even in the country."

Despite everything, I feel guilt jab at my heart. Of course. Eli didn't want to wake me up. It was an emergency. "You didn't even call me after." Is all I can say. It's so selfish.

"I did." Eli says softly, as he pulls a chair and sits beside me, "I called your house too. No one answered." Because I'd put my phone off and cried in the shower for an hour so I didn't hear the phone ring. Eli rubs my back. "My knuckles are actually sore from knocking on your front door. I figured you wouldn't go to school today."

"I shouldn't have." I say. But I hadn't known that it would be like this.We sit in silence listening to the sound of people laughing and talking in the hallway. About me, obviously.

"Did you see them?" I say, looking at the door. At the floor. Anywhere but his face.

"Your boobs?" Eli asks like I could be talking about anything else. He rubs the back of his head. "Yup." he says, "Last night. They're amazing."

This horrible nasal laugh erupts from my throat. I smile at Eli and he kisses my forehead. I'm glad he doesn't say every thing's OK. It's not. But with him around I feel like it will be.

***

We manage to skip three periods without anyone coming into the classroom. Just as the third period is ending, I get a text from Chase.

Where the hell are you?

RM04

I'm on my way

Chase barges into the classroom after five minutes, breathless. "We just spent the entire morning ripping photos off lockers and walls and in the bathrooms. I mean, Rori, what the fuck?"

"I know." I tell Chase.

Skylar side steps from behind Chase as if she'd been waiting for her cue. I try to ignore the way she cocks her head and glances at my chest. I mean, everyone's done it already. How could I blame her? "The photos are online too." she says, looking away at last, " I hacked into some sites but I couldn't get into the really popular ones." I raise my eyebrows at her. She didn't seem like the tech guru type of girl. She'd always seemed like an airhead to me. "But I flagged for content."

I give her a small smile. "Thanks Skylar."

"Screw them, Rori." Chase tells me, "They're all just a bunch of stupid high schoolers with nothing better to do than to worry about what other people do with their lives. Trust me, in a couple of years, you'll be to successful to even give a fuck about them." I nod and try to believe him. "Who would do this?" he asks.

I think hard. It doesn't take long for the culprit to pop into my head. "It's Imogen!" I say, "She must have got them from Jaq's phone."

"You sure?" Eli asks.

"Positive." I say. Imogen had kept her promise. She'd ruined me.

The door of room 4 opens and closes and we all look up to see Levi standing in the doorway looking at me. His eyes are wicked. "Look who it is. One slut and three counselors." I look down, ashamed. I hear Chase crack his knuckles. Everyone in the whole school knows what that means. But it's Eli who speaks.

"Shut up." Eli warns him.

"No." Levi says, " I came to tell Ritz that Mr Terv is calling her to his office. And he wants her to keep her top on this time."

Levi laughs at his own joke. What's funny is how boys, like Levi, ask girls to do things for them, and send nudes for them and lower their standards for them, but they're the same boys who'd laugh in your face afterwards. Eli stands. I've never seen him look so angry.

"I said shut up, Levi." Eli says. He grabs the front of Lev's shirt and thrusts him against a wall.

"What the hell dude!" Levi shouts, trying to push Eli away, "It's not my fault that your girl is a whore."

It happens in a blur. The next thing I see is blood running from Levi's nose and Eli still won't stop punching him.