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Chapter 10 Eternities

"Would you like some more cereal?" My mom asks. "No thanks." I say, shaking my head.
She sets down the box of cereal and looks at me. I raise my eyebrows at her.
Sighing, she shakes her head. "I don't know Kay, somethings changed about you." She squints her eyes at me. "Your always gone half the time, your receiving messages from homeless people in the park, and your always singing under your breath."
I shrug. Inside I'm thinking: no no no no no, not now, please stop.
She studies me a moment longer, and I study her back. I don't look much like my mother. She has light hair and eyes, whereas my own hair is a few shades darker and my eyes are the color of charcoal. She's prettier than me, there's no denying. Her hair has natural wave, while mine is pin straight. Her skin is a honey color, mine gives me the impression of being a vampire. My mother is also much more... the same.
She loves small talk and gossip. Watching movies and shopping. She's always getting her makeup done or painting her nails. I hate all those things. Just another way I'm different.
Finally, she smiles. "Well, anyway." She begins to tidy up the kitchen. ''I was thinking today we could bake cupcakes. I found this new recipe in a magazine, pink cupcakes with blue and green frosting." She smiles. "I thought it could be fun." No, I think to myself. It would not be fun. What would be fun would be to go down to the record store and listen to the Rolling Stones until the streetlights came on and the the store closed. But I don't say that.  I just shrug.
  My mom smiles. "C'mon, it'll be fun. I promise." I don't mention that my mother has broken many of the promises she's made to me over the years. 'Yea, I'll make dinner, no problem.' 'Of course we'll go out for your birthday, I won't forget.' 'I love you. I promise.'
I don't say that though. I just shrug again. My mom looks like she wants to sigh, but she manages to muster up a smile. I swear, my mother would smile even if I told her the Gerald Ford was running for office again.
   "We'll bake the cupcakes Kay." I manage to nod this time, I'm wishing that she'll close the kitchen curtains (we finally got some) because the light is hurting my eyes and I want it to stop stop stop stop, because I can't see and it's so bright and I think I'll go blind and if I go blind-
  I take a deep breath. I try to think of a song, any song. The first thing that comes into my head is Whitney Houston's dance with somebody. I run through the lyrics into my head, humming under my breath. I'm still humming as my mother begins to take out the ingredients.
She looks up at me. I can tell she wants to mention my singing, but I quickly ignore her and start to dump the flour in a bowl.
My mom turns on the radio, and Cindy Lauper's time after time fills the kitchen. I smile, remembering a certain afternoon not too long ago involving the popular singer.
  We mix and pour in silence for a while, until the chorus comes on. 'If your lost you can look and you will find me'
"Time after time." I sing softly. "If you fall I will catch you, I'll be waiting, time after time."
  My mom turns the radio down. "I didn't know you had such a good voice." She says. I shrug.
  She looks at me a moment longer. "You know I never understood you Kay. Ever since you were just a little baby. Yes, they always said you'd be different, not the same as everyone else. I just never understood how you could be so different. Did I do something wrong? I never understood." She sighs.
   I hate that sigh. Like she's disappointed in me. And suddenly I'm so mad. "Yes I've noticed." I say coolly.
  She shakes her head. "Maybe you're not so different Kay. Maybe we can fix this." I turn to look at her. "Fix this? There's nothing to fix. You never understood because you never wanted to. You wanted a perfect daughter and a perfect life. And I'm sorry but that's not what you got. So you were just ok to lock yourself away, and pretend that you cared. You never cared. You were always too afraid. There's nothing to fix mom. It's too late for any of that."
  She looks startled. For a moment, she seems lost for words. Then she turns back around. "You know Kay, I'm sorry. This has never been easy on me. And... and well... I suppose I could have handled it better. And... well... I'm sorry. But... But maybe you're really ok. You can still be ok. I know it."
    I shake my head. "I can never be ok. I can just be me. And I'm different." For a moment, she looks like she'll say something else. I wait. But then the moment passes, and she turns back to the counter.
   I leave the kitchen and I walk down the hall to my room. Throwing myself onto my bed I look up at my ceiling. And I think about eternities. I'm beginning to think they're real.