Tapes

Tapes - B1

19th November, 2015

Barbara Kenith.

"The concept of love. It's weird, isn't it? Because everyone seems to have a definition of their own for it. In my opinion, all of them make sense because it's not like anyone told us that the concept of it has to be limited, why should it be when the word has such vast meaning. Even the concepts created by the opposing parties of pessimists and optimists link up together at some point but the problem seems to be that we are unable to link those small definitions. And we are unable to think of the possibility of its definition being unlimited. But why shouldn't we consider that possibility? What's stopping us? Just our thoughts and we can control those, can we not?

However, I am not here to talk about love and its concept. Honestly I don't really know why I am here, they told me to record a small video about anything that came to mind so that I could just speak comfortably as the tape would only be given to me and seen by none other. I guess that was the only way they could make me speak since I refused to do so with the last five psychiatrists I went to, no matter how much they tried to make me feel comfortable.

Why do I need psychiatrists? I don't really know. There seem to be a lot of reasons for it, most of which I cannot be bothered to even remember anymore. But, hey, it's not something extraordinary; it's those normal stressful things. Well, except for the fact that my house burned down a few weeks back. People think there has been something wrong with me since then but I don't feel any different than I did. Why should I? my house burned down. Not me. Well, my foster family did. But why should their deaths affect me? I wasn't related to them and I never wished to be because that meant having connections. Connections I wasn't prepared to deal with or even wanted to deal with.

It seemed better this way, not being able to feel the hurt of them leaving me. Not caring about anything. Because all caring seemed to do these days was destroy us. Destroy us until there was nothing left of us. It seemed quite idiotic of people to still keep on caring, keep on loving when they knew and had so many examples of why it would just crash and burn in the end. Lovers left, friends left, parents died, children left you, that was all to it. All of them moved on, we were like broken clockwork, repeating it again and again until we all got so rusted that we finally stopped ticking.

People said I was missing out on stuff, but I believe it is the other way around considering they are the ones that usually end up broken while I calmly move on with my life. Playing the part I am supposed to be.

This is what scared the people who are making me do this. They said my reaction to things wasn't normal, that I was too emotionally detached to make sense of a tragedy. Pfft, isn't that a good thing, shouldn't they be making me teach them how to do it so that everyone on this earth could spend their lives without any drama. Guess not.

Well, it seems like my time is almost up for the day. That's enough speaking out for one day, don't you think so? Well, I do."