Moving On

Phase 3: Tears

"Tears are the silent language of grief."

Voltaire

      I need an escape from all these problems, I don't know how long even been crying myself to sleep that my head begun to ache; I don't even know if I can still cry, if tears are still in stock in my sockets. It took me miles just to escape from the place where every corner is place of memory for Justin and I, it's useless to go to school for I am stuck only in the thought of him; I don't want to cry myself as I listen to the lessons of my teachers. "Bitch, where you at?" It was her first question when I called her mobile through payphone - I don't want to tell her where I am for I, myself, don't even know where this place exactly is. "I'm somewhere... I don't know." I can't even check if Justin sent me a message, I left his world in my house. His old shirts, my mobile, my diary... I just search for an escape, bought a ticket and said nothing to my parents, the only thing brought with me is myself; no baggage but I know that my heart carries sorrow of baggage.

      "Where the fuck is that place?" I can hear concern in her voice, I know she cares but I couldn't even care for myself; I can't mend my broken heart - for now I seek for an escape hoping that if I come back tomorrow in the place our relationship died I will be fine, that I could smile and say I'm okay. The truth is I can't lie to myself about a clear fact standing in front of me, the only thing you can do with truth is accept it - but I still can't and so I'll run away, and maybe I'll accept the fact that reality is giving to me. "I'm somewhere with a beach, I'll come back tomorrow... for sure." I didn't wait for her reply; I ended my call and exhale the humid air the sea is sharing to us human beings.

      Isak Dinesen once said: the cure for anything is salt water: sweat, tears or the sea. I'm not yet done with the tears but maybe if two forces join together the higher the dose of my medicine will be.

      I bought myself an ice cream as I sat down by the shore watching people pass by either swimming or walking. I thought an unfamiliar place would show me different scenarios of the present scenes than show me the memories that would be forgotten through years and years of grief, but I was wrong for what my sight showed me is the recorded scene of me and Justin wondering the vast beauty of the sea as our first date.

∞

August 11, 2012

      It was the first date that Justin planned so dramatically for me, he brought me in the sea for I told him that I love sunsets by sea, I couldn't help it if I am trapped in the thoughts of perfect things a princess could dream of - Justin was not just my prince; he has also became the genie that grants my limitless wishes. I couldn't help but laugh about what he is wearing, it was then that I figure out that his romantically childish; he made me his Ariel and he my Prince Eric - thought I don't have a red hair or him a black hair but that day became perfect. We ate the food he packed and we picnicked by the shore where we watch the sun, waiting for it to set down. He told me his stories and I told him mine, we talked about our passion for painting, our goals in life, what we wish for this relationship to happen.

      Things turn out very well; we are compatible to each other for we have a lot of things that are in common, our mouths got shut as the sun begins to set. We sit side by side and his head on my shoulders and my head on top of his. I fell in love with the sunset more and more, and when things are perfectly crushing to places I found myself falling deeply for Justin. He's a beautiful temptation that God as given to me, I took him with me as our worlds collide to each other creating one gravitational field that creates an orbit for the two of us.