It had been months since I had seem him. He changed. I knew he did when we talked on the phone. He was supposed to get better, but no improvement was made. Quite frankly, he went in the opposite direction.
I didn't realize I was holding my breath until I sighed moments later. My feet dangled from the bench, moving back and forth from anxiety. He'd be here shortly.
I stared at the door watching people walk into the mall. There was a couple holding hands. I took note that they were close in height the boy being smaller than most. He said something making her face light up. She elbowed him in the side playfully before they rounded the corner. So strange how almost a year ago I would not have noticed the lovers, I would've been too consumed in my own significant other to observe my surroundings.
As if on cue, the door opened yet another time. My heart sped up. He instantly looked around. He long dark brown hair was swept away from his face and I could faintly see the new tattoo covering his right shoulder.
My breath was shaky as I stood from my seat and waved. His eyes caught mine. I thought I would almost fall backwards. He approached the bench where I stood...right in front of me. We took a moment to look at each other, taking in one another's appearance. God knows what was running through his mind.
I was the one to break the silence.
"Hi." My voice was small and delicate but I was afraid the longer our silence drew out the more awkward it would have become.
"Hey!" A smile. Boy, I missed that smile. It wasn't anything big, no dimples showing, however it was more of one that found my greeting amusing.
I was unable to meet his gaze. Afraid that I'd lose myself in it.
"How was your ride?"
It was a simple question I could answer.
"Good..."
He nodded in response.
"Boring actually," I added, "How about yours?"
"Awesome! I'm loving my truck!"
I smiled. Kinda liked his old car though..
* * *
It felt comfortable by his side, safe almost. Our conversation topics varied from work to schooling, to his hair. (He always loved his hair.)
It was when we took a seat next to the plants that I finally spoke my mind.
"I miss you." It was voiced quietly, almost a whisper. He heard me though. I know he did. His eyes widened slightly and his mouth opened. However he didn't speak and that terrified me.
"I'm sorry, I know it's been so long and you probably moved on but-"
"How?"
I was taken back by his question. Not just the word but his tone. There wasn't much confusion or curiosity in it, it coming out more monotone then anything.
"I don't know..." I paused. "What we had was special. I cared about you, you cared for me. There was just something about you that made me happy. I guess I'm just not ready to give that part of my life up yet..."
He looked down taking in what I had said.
"You still love me?"
Fucking L word. How was I supposed to respond. Did I? My heart still sped up at the thought of him. The best part of my day was talking to him and no matter how many times I'd talk to someone else, I could not seem to catch feelings.
"Yes."
He looked frightened. Which made a lump form in my throat. The feeling wasn't mutual. I just knew it. As that realization hit, the fact that this was the end, a tear fell down my face. Then another. Before I could even process where I was, my cheeks were covered with water.
And for the first time since I saw him, we touched. He spun to the side facing me and pulled me into his chest. It felt comforting being in his arms. He held me how he used to, tight, like he'd never let go. It was in that moment when it occurred to me to savour this. The last hug. The last time my body would be touching his. I needed closure and that's what I got. There was no more I could ask for.
As I was ready to pull away I felt him clear his throat. My eyes squeezed closed ready for him to speak. However the words uttered were not ones I thought would be spoken.
"I miss you too."
