It Just Hurts

Part 5

Dear Princess,

Liam found the letter before I could bury it. I walked in on him reading it, with his eyes full of tears. He showed it to my therapist. Now my therapist is saying that maybe I should stop writing, because it's not helping me. HA! See's how much he knows. Writing to you is helping me. So, I decided on my own to write in a journal.

First off, today is October 31. Yes, I know it's Avianna's birthday. I bought her presents, and I wrapped them. She misses you. Probably not as much as I do, but she does. As soon as she opened the first gift, she burst out crying. It was one of those barbie dolls. I asked her why she was crying.

She said because it had the same hair and eyes as you did.

I put my head in my hands and cried. She refused to open any more presents, and went to lie down on her bed. Nothing I say can make her get out of bed. She's not crying, she's just staring at the picture of us on our wedding day. She's as beautiful as you are, Princess.

Today for Avianna's birthday we're all going out to dinner. Harry, Louis, Liam, Zayn, Darcey, Avianna, and I. Princess, do you remember Darcey? She and Avianna are best friends. She has Harry's curly hair and your sister's eyes. Funny, how Harry married your sister, and I married you.

I guess I should talk about your sister. I haven't seen her in 9 months. I can't bear to. If I do, I know I will see you in her and break down crying. She has tried to contact me, but I ignore her.I feel so bad for ignoring her, but what else can I do? I do send Avianna to their house to play with Darcey. I know if you were here you would be ashamed of me. I remember on the day you died, you asked me to comfort your sister and help her.

I've failed you, Princess. I'm so sorry. Harry has tried to get me to come for dinner, but I always make excuses. I know I should stop avoiding the dinner, but it will be painful for me to go.

Oh Princess, I miss you. I'm starting to hate life now. One Direction doesn't bring me joy like it used to, the boys are getting farther away from me. Or am I getting farther away from them? I don't open up to anyone. I have no idea when the last time I laughed was. I smile, yes. I smile. But it's fake. Avianna is the only thing keeping me alive. She is more like you than me. I marvel about how big and grown-up she is getting. I just wish you were here to marvel with me..

I promised Avianna that I would take her to the mall before we went to dinner. 

Goodbye, dear Love of My Life,

Yours truly,

Your Prince,

Niall James Horan