With And Without You

Now: Bad News

I woke up abruptly, sweating and panting, from what seemed like a horrible dream. I looked at my bedside clock, and blinked at the green numbers that read 5:00 am. I looked to my right to see a beautiful sleeping figure next to me. She looked so peaceful and happy; I could see the outline of a small smile in her lips. Since we didn't need to get up in another 2 hours and a half, I decided to go back to sleep.

The second time I woke up was from the sound of the alarm. Pressing the snooze button, I blinked a couple of times adjusting to the sudden light of the sun, that sneaked through the cream colored curtains. Once adjusted, I looked for my sleeping beauty. I smiled at the sight, her beautiful blond hair spread on top of the pillow. I watched as her eyelids fluttered open and adjusted to the sun light, as she acknowledged my presence, she smiled.

"Good Morning, Love" I said admiring her in her morning glory. She was a sight to see in the morning, and I was lucky to be the one to see it every day.

"Morning, Babe" She replied with a smile.

Today we were going to see her doctor to see if the treatment was working. See, she was infertile and we were doing everything in our power to have kids. She was a little untraditional; she always wanted to have kids before getting married. Because, her words, it works as a test to see if you would stay with me through rough patches. My answer to that was always 'Of course, I will always be there for you no matter what'.

When we found out she was infertile, she was devastated. She wasn't so fond of kids, but her children would be a different story. She wanted that more than anything, so the days that came from that were sad days. She just locked herself in our room and cried. It killed me to see her like that, I loved her too much to even let think of being in pain. But I also knew her too well to know that when she shut the world off it was because she needed it, I made the mistake a few times of pushing her to tell me what was going on and she pushed me way. In two years you learn a lot about a person, and much more if you cling to every word that human being confides. After giving her the space she needed, I hold her tight and promised her we would try everything in our power to get her treated, and if at the end of the day we couldn't do anything we could always adopt, but no matter what I would be there for her. After a week of looking for the best doctor in London, we started a Clomid treatment with one of the best obstetrician-gynecologists in London, Dr. Baxter.

She had been taking her pills as instructed, but the mood swings were taking a toll on both of us. They weren't as bad at the beginning. But when we started month 3 of the treatment, they were sudden. One wrong word would tick the wrong nerve. The next weeks I was walking in thin ice around her, I knew it wasn't her fault so I took care of her and kept my promise. Since the first 2 months of treatment weren't effective, they had to increase her dosage of 50 mg to 100mg.

Victoria was a strong woman, who could make the weirdest comments in the weirdest times, she was confident, like nothing in the world could stop her, but even she knew that was impossible, and I knew she was a fragile person in the inside. But she would be dead first before she would let anyone see her cry, and that somehow made me feel special the first time she let me see her cry. There were people that had seen her cry but it was a handful of people. But over all of that, she was a passionate person. Sometimes her passion startled me; she could go from loving something to the extreme to hating it the next second. But if there was something she did love and had an immense passion for it was writing. She could come up with the most wonderful things, and I didn't say it because she was my girlfriend, but because they were honestly amazing. That was why this girl was one of New York Times Bestselling Author.

A laugh brought me back to earth. As I realized I had zoned out, I focused my baby blue eyes to her cerulean blue ones.

"Babe, you zoned out on me" She replied grinning. "What were you thinking about?"

"You" I replied looking into her eyes and leaning in for the morning kiss, I had yet to have.

Centimeters away from her face, I could see a hint of mischief at the corner of her eyes.

"You clichéd bastard!" She interrupted the moment suddenly, laughing she sat up from bed.

I groaned at her for ruining that perfect moment.

"You are gonna have to catch me first, babe" She said smirking, standing up from the bed.

"Oh really?" I said grinning, sitting up from bed, as I knew exactly where this was going.

"Yes" She said turning around.

She shrieked as I ran her out of our bedroom. As I caught her half way our pursuit, in direction of the bathroom, I held her bridal style and carried a laughing and whining blonde to the bathroom.

-------------

After finishing some business in the bathroom, were we may or may not have enjoyed a pleasurable shower together, we got dressed and ate our breakfast. As Victoria took her pills, I grabbed us jumpers, as the weather was not in the warmest.

As we sang, or more like screamed, to the song s in the radio we made our way to the doctor's clinic.

Parking just in front of our destination, I grabbed her hand and kissed her knuckles, I could feel the temperature around us suddenly elevate, not because of the climate outside of the car, but because of the sudden change in atmosphere. We went from happy and not giving a care in the world to nervous and anxious for results we hoped the best for.

Apparently today the cards were not in our favor.

Sitting in front of her doctor's black oak desk we held hands, anxiously waiting our answers, after making her take a test and an ultrasound.

"It's bad news" said Dr. Baxter slowly as possible, sympathy written all over his eyes.

Squeezing her hand as to reassure her I was here, after hearing the small intake of breath that came from her seat.

Nodding my head, I requested for him to continue.

"Apparently your body is Clomid Resistant, this means your body does not respond the way we'd like to Clomid" Dr. Baxter said cautiously.

I nodded for him to explain further.

"Obviously there are more treatments for this but they may be life threatening for you or the baby that you may or may not conceive. You need to decide based on these factors. I will explain further but I need to know if you two are willing to continue. You can decide against continuing once you have heard the risk percentage. But for now are you willing to continue?" Dr. Baxter asked.

I looked at Victoria who was already nodding, as she acknowledged me, she turned her head and she didn't have to verbalize what she was thinking.

I agreed with her decision and then we both turned and nodded to the doctor.

"Ok, so the next step is...."

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