Haze

Woodland- Dawn through the little cracks

She woke up in the morning with a start. Her head was throbbing, but with time she had grown used to it.

That was him. Unmistakable brown hair, that voice- it was History boy. It all came back to her. Her subtle apologies after the aftermath of their little chat the other night, then the eventual unexplained stolen kisses against the walls of the corridors, following her shoving him away and denying. Then gradually, her giving him an identity in her life and accepting that he was 'there' and 'yeah, kind of important'. He had clarified that he loved her, since the very start. Sunny afternoons in her apartment followed, when they would read together, sprawled on the rug of her room, her mind occupied with nicer things than the perpetual depressive thoughts that had now increased in intensity. They would go out bicycle riding, racing and then come back home, tired and talk till she would drift to sleep in his lap, on his calves, on his back, on his chest.

In the time frames that they couldn't see each other, or when she had to visit her family, the sickness used to be back and she used to feel like sleeping all day, till one time, when she was at her parents for the summer, she felt her mood heighten, she felt her happiness return, and she felt so full of life that she would literally run around the place all day and still not feel the least bit tired. Little did she know that her return from that visit wouldn't be to her apartment, to her college, but to a mental health hospital. Or the asylum.

College education had been long distance ever since, and along with bogging her down, giving her harsh reality checks, driving her to her own limits and trying and testing her mentally more than life ever could, the asylum drained from her her courage to see him ever again.

She checked her watch and it was four am. She had slept for four hours. That was something. She walked towards her bathroom and splashed her face with cold water, washed her mouth and took a cold shower. Patting her face dry with the towel, she made her way out to the balcony, where cold morning breeze caressed her face.

She stood looking at her neighbourhood, the cramped gray houses, the little road ten stories down, everything quiet, all the lights out. This morning started with her feeling a strange ache in her chest. Like she was so close to something beautiful, and she was shoving it away all the time. Like she was letting go of all that she could make of her life, and holding on to nothing but her self made misery. She let a quivering breath in and folded her arms across her chest tightly, biting her lip. For more than two weeks now she had been fritting away life and denying herself of all that she could have, maybe even all that she did have. Trying her best to shut her brain, trying her best to thrash herself, trying her best to keep away from people, repulsion, repulsion, repulsion. A tear slid down her cheek. Before asylum too, she had been affected, maybe a little less, but nonetheless. But that never kept her from living life and believing that she was just as good as any normal teenage girl, with a few glitches. She hadn't looked down on herself; and here, now, she was averse to every cell in her body as if it had wronged her, as if it was responsible for letting her down everywhere. Now she had become her greatest enemy, and this was all because some people pointed out to her that she was unwell. The world must have averted its attention from her, but what she did to her own self made up for the part of the world that still stood just where it always had been, with welcoming arms. She was being cruel, and she was destroying herself more than the disorder ever could, and she was being a coward.

Opening her glazed eyes to the sky, she let a deep breath in, and let it out with a quiver along with long awaiting tears. Looking down and wiping her face with the towel, she turned and made her way to her room, and stood in front of the bookshelf. She knew it was time for her depression to occur, and it was probably showing signs as well. But this time, she thought she would at least try and give herself a fair chance at a change.