Haze

Reconciling

Short one, but I hope you enjoy. :) This is where it ends...unless there's an epilogue. *rubs palms in glee*

***

She stood up and walked over to the basin to wash the plate and mug. As water streamed down her plate and her gloved palms mechanically moved clockwise on it, her gaze shifted upwards out of the window to the huge brown tree slightly dusted with snow. The grass beneath would be blanketed in a week's time, perhaps. Setting the dish on the stand and pulling her fingers out of the glove, she decided to get back to work.

Writer. She smiled to herself mischievously. Who would've thought... she walked up to the warm confines of her library. The house was hers for the winter, and as per what her sister told her, she could have it for the coming summer as well because they would be staying home. She was going to have a baby. That news had her rattled for a while, but the prospect of keeping the home was 'delicious'. Spending a week's time there doing nothing, she suddenly felt the urge to write and as days passed, she felt she would see this through. Her writing was probably her final rescue. And the best part was, it was a rescue that came from within her.

But what she was edgy about today wasn't about that she hadn't slept for a day, not because of her mania, but because she was too caught up in the book to realize the time; but about the strange event last night that made her feel alone for the first time in two months. That evening, and the subsequent night had passed blissfully with him, but that was that. She had to leave for this place the next morning and that wasn't changing, if she had to change for his sake, and hers. They had let go. And more than any other time, it disturbed her clear state of thoughts today. Because last night, or more appropriately this morning at four, when she was in her night suit, prepared to slip under toasty covers and sleep, she received a text message.

I can't sleep today. Talk to me? That was just...plain and simple insane. And so the rest of her sleep was tossed out of the window to freeze.

She pressed the switch of the computer and it hummed to life. Biting her lip and rubbing her palms together waiting for the thermostat to show effect, she quickly typed the password and went back to rubbing her palms together.

I can't decide whether I should think myself lucky for having been able to land up in a place like this, while I'm still young and not old and rotting and waiting impatiently for death to finally get this life over with. I also can't decide if all that I have gone through was a difficult life, or a rather easy one, easier than things ought to be for people like me, or that I saw as difficult. I am still in a chaos, but I have accepted it now, I guess; and funnily enough, now it's started to sort out itself. What part of my brain decided for me that I needed to have time alone, despite that evening, when I had felt the best in so many years, with him, I have no idea. I had probably given up on the good sense that still prevails in me.

Today, I miss him. It's just one of the days when you wake up feeling different, like a surge of emotions and memories have suddenly laid their impact on you. I wasn't ready for this feeling, at least when I thought I had renounced it all. Let him go, let my apartment go, let my old life go... it was supposed to be turning over a new leaf and starting over with life all over again, afterall, I'm just 20. But on days like today, I can't decide if what I am doing really is what I intend doing. If actually it's not me trying to start all over, but me running away in paranoia. Me denying myself a chance at happiness because I have just lost the courage to take a risk to live normally.

And it's aggravating that a boy is making me rethink like this. Turn my brain over empty its contents and study them and sort them and all that painstaking work, for a boy. Who would've thought. Sure he is pretty, but I had never counted on this. He's making me do so much mental work my IQ just might have shot up to 200. Two weeks I was drowning myself in booze, and one look at him-not even clear at that! - made me contemplate my entire life and realize and try in a matter of two days. One fine day he sashays into my house unannounced and I become all jittery and bothered. One text message at four am and I am again writing about home and love and family and emotions, after having a sleepless night. This is abnormal and unacceptable.

This is what is keeping me alive.