Harry Styles Imagines

Depression is..

TRIGGER WARNING
Y/N P.O.V

*buzz* *buzz*, the ringing on my phone kept vibrating over and over again. Feeling the numbness in body trying to find the effort to reach my phone as I lay in the coldness of my room. Reaching my phone reading the text that read Harry's name
Harry: Hi babe, do you want to go out today?

Feeling my brain trying to process the words I've read, trying to re-function the jumbled up words repeated over and over in my brain, leaving me with the same answer I always tell Harry.

Y/N: I can't, not feeling too well today, but you go ahead.

Harry: Are you ok? Your mood has been strange lately. Are you depressed?

Harry knew about my past depression and how I used to self-harm, and how depression would somehow find its way back into my life.

I was one of those people who didn't like to talk about it, I like to handle things on my own, which wasn't always the best thing, but I continued to repeat the pattern over and over again. I've needed to take antidepressants, been hospitalized, needed therapy, anything that supposedly was something to "cure" depression, I've done.

That's the problem though, you can't cure depression, it isn't something you can take pills all the time and it magically goes away. It doesn't go away on its own, although I was happy most of the time someone has to say something that just fucks up my whole day.

Y/N: yeah I'm fine, just feeling a bit under the weather.

Harry: Do you want me to come and hang out at your house?

Y/N: No it's ok, I'll be fine, I'll text you when I'm better. Ok

Harry: ok love, I'm always here to talk, just a call away.

I didn't reply as my brain started to shut down, like a factory that went out of business, that all employees just left. I laid on my bed repeating the horrid words that crashed through my mind, circling, beginning to overfill my head with unnecessary words, trying to find a way out of this hell hole they call my body.

It wasn't like this, this wasn't how my day started. I was never really good in achieving good grades in school and I'm failing a class that completely gives me anxiety and panic attacks every time I enter the room. Smelling the decomposing parts of my body ready to be disintegrated into a million pieces. I visited my mom that day, as you can guess she was mad. Telling me I set myself up for failure as if I didn't feel enough of being an anybody, she continued on how I was a failure in the mean tone that only my depression added on to. Although my mom didn't say these words directly from her mouth they continue to compile in my mind. How I wasn't good enough, the constant feeling I was a failure and not something to be proud of, but more ashamed of. Knowing I wasn't good enough, I was just a mistake ready to happen, I was born unwanted, I wasn't enough. I wasn't enough to be proud of, I wasn't pretty of beautiful or something to be jealous of, I was a complete nobody and my depression didn't help me in this way. It made things worse.

Depression is being drowned in your own thoughts and feelings, gasping for air but no one helps. It's the feeling as if the only thing alive is the mind itself, your mind is in control and you can't gain that power back. It's the shadow that lurks for an opening opportunity to control your minds stake. It's the constant need to pick at every flaw found in yourself. The reason I can't look in the mirror and say "you're beautiful". The same reason why the weighing scale is my best friend and my enemy. The same god damn reason I can't properly eat a full meal every day because "it's too many calories". Depression can eat you up and spit you out and bring you back to life to make sure you go through that hell again. It's my constant routine to keep me going. The fact the I enjoy the pain, the fact that I can love the tears running down my eyes means that depression has fully taken over my body. It's also the reason I need to keep a pack of antidepressants with me, to avoid me from jumping off the bridges I cross with my bare feet. The constant feeling that I'm swimming in a pool of the words that are overflowing in my mind that repeat over to like a cycle that is never ending. The same reason I'm glued to my bed, the reason my doors are always closed, the reason I shut everyone out, the reason I always have a pair of earbuds to block out the cycle of words in my mind and the constant talking of my family saying I'm too fat and too much of a disappointment. Music is my only escape. My depression is getting to the point where I feel like I'm gonna leave Harry, that I'm gonna go to the clouds and Harry will blame himself for not getting to me sooner.

I soon called Harry, knowing that I couldn't deal with this alone and needed my source of happiness to come and help me.

Y/N: Harry can you come to the house, please.

Harry: Sure, I'll be there in 15 min.

The clock moved so slow, the ticking of the clock counting every second killed me until I heard the chattering of keys trying to open the door. As soon as Harry entered I quickly rushed over, embracing his muscular figure in my arms with tears rushing down my face onto his shirt.

Harry picked me up so that he cradled me in his arms and brought me to sit in the couch. He sat down and placed me on his lap as I cried in the crook of his neck, completely sobbing all over the place.

Harry: Hey, hey, shh I'm here, what's wrong love?

Harry cooed as he stroked my hair.
I explained to Harry all these feeling that I've been keeping inside me and completely exploded out.

Harry: Love, why didn't you tell me sooner, you know I would have helped you and been here and gotten help for you. Please tell me next time when you feel like this, I don't want you to leave me, please, I love you.

Y/N: I love you too Harry. I promise I will tell you everything, I won't leave you ever.

Things quickly got better ever since that.
~
Hi loves, really crappy imagine again. If any of you are struggling with depression or anything please talk to someone like anyone, even me I promise I'm always here please, please, please get help if you feel suicidal, please everyone loves you very much!
- S xx