The Difference In Capital Letters

On the Move Again

  After packing up the tents and loading them onto Max - partially because he's the biggest creature and partially because we couldn't be bothered to touch the infernal weights - but in minutes we're ready to go. Kazi jumps on Viktor and starts off into the forest. I catch Loki by his sleeve, not looking up at his questioning look as I lead him over to Fillin. Fillin's grown a lot recently and at nearly the size of a young adult he's ready to be ridden. I jump up on Agripin's back - he's used to me riding him, and I gesture for Loki to ride Fillin. Being partially fire, Fillin doesn't take offense at Loki swinging himself onto his back. We ride after Kazi, but we let him keep the lead - well, technically Max is in the lead but then he's a big creature, not likely to slow down for us all.

  I think Kazi is happy with the knowledge that Loki and I can't possibly be riding together, but we ride side by side in silence neither of us feeling the need to break it. It's comforting to have him beside me, both boys are protective of me, but Loki has a warmth to him that Kazi doesn't share and I find that Loki is the one who cheers me up more.

  Why do I like either of them? It'll just take time for them to hate me, everyone does at some point - those who don't aren't with me long enough to get burnt. That's the danger with fire, with me, behind the danger hides a power that'll burn everything it touches. I'll hurt those I'm near, I can't stay with these guys much longer, they'll only discover the truth about me.

  Having a day's rest means we've all recovered strength so we ride through the night. I just stare longingly at the sky, the stars beckon to me, standing strong and free. Free of stress, free of worry, standing with peace, standing with joy and burning bright. I burn bright, but I'm the light of stress and worry and hurt, not the light of things beautiful, I'm dark and it is right that people turn from me. People aren't afraid of the dark, they're afraid of what's in it. They're afraid of what's in me, they're afraid of my character, my power, and I can't control it.

  I finally fall asleep, the soft rhythm of Agripin's straining muscles like a swaying hammock willing sleep to find me. Sleep hits me, like I've run into a brick wall. It hurts. I'm dreaming again.

  I'm sitting in a bare room, dark and underneath the ground. The room smells earthy and musty, mould grows like an infectious disease over the walls. The stench is awful, it's forcing my stomach to my throat. I can see, but there's no light coming in and no light from the room. I wonder where it's coming from only to realise it's from me, I'm burning a bright and warm glow of firelight. I'm a beacon in this dark room, I cast shadows across the room, which is as big as a ballroom. Three pillars run down the centre and they cast threatening shadows away from my light. I'm alone, it's strange because I'm scared, my muscles and brain are yelling at me to run. Get out! They're screaming for me to flee, but my heart makes me stay - I'm curious by nature. I can't be wanting to run from nothing, I want to know what it is. Then I remember, I'm dreaming. I'm dreaming and I know by now that that isn't good.

  I hurriedly turn to where I was certain I saw a door at the far end, I go to step forward but I notice what I didn't notice about it before. The door isn't a door at all, there are no doors here, no exits. What I mistook for a door was the shape of a girl, slender and tall. She's hooded and her face is hidden from my view, but I know who it is I see before me. Who it is that the darkness pours from. Skinny and pale hands, with immaculate nails slowly rise, drawing the hood back and letting it fall to her shoulders. She shakes her head a little, the black hair bouncing around, freed from the confines of the hood. Her face is pale, and for once I'm really looking at this girl. I'm really taking in every detail about the person I've known forever. A scar runs jaggedly from her closed eye down through the edge of her mouth. Her eyes flutter open, the long lashes black and curled, perfect lashes. Many girls would die for those natural looks. Her eyes aren't just dark like mine, they're completely black, unnatural and freakish. The breath completely leaves my lungs and I stand frozen to the spot. This must be what people at school saw, I know why they ran now, I know why they yelled and spat (when they saw me). You see, the girl I'm staring at, the one whose eyes bore a hole right through me. That girl is me.

  I finally understand, the reason I don't like myself, the reason I love travelling, the reason I love running, because I'm running from myself. I'm frozen to the spot, and I can't move even though my muscles are practically ripping themselves in half trying to get me to move. She doesn't speak but she glides towards me. Not with the grace and peace of the Silent Brothers from The Mortal Instruments/The Infernal Devices, but with a threatening and deathly scary movement. It feels like an eternity and yet it's over too quickly as within seconds she's standing uncomfortably close. Our faces are nearly touching and her black eyes seem to stretch into forever. There's a cold feeling coming from her, but when I blink she's not standing in front any more.

  She leads me towards the far end of the room, my light spluttering in her darkness, towards a dark mirror. The only colour other than black that I notice in the mirror is the pale colour of skin, lips and eyes. I just stare, not quite scared any more but more confused, although I'm not really calm either. The feeling doesn't last long though as I watch her step into me, I feel the cold rushing through me, any good feelings vanishing forever and my flame grows into a raging roar that is no longer warm or happy, but cold (despite the heat) and frightening. I saw in the mirror the difference between the cosy campfire, and the devouring house-fire. I try to scream but no sound comes out, my lips don't even move. I finally realise with horror that I'm not me any more. I didn't notice the change before because of the fairly similar colour, but my eyes are no longer my eyes. I'm looking through her eyes, the frightening black eyes and she's in control. She's using me to strengthen herself or make me look bad - it doesn't matter. Either way it's the most terrifying experience, being in your body but not being in control. Just watching through yourself but not being able to change what you're doing.

  I feel her cold voice reverberating through my mind: Wake up little girl, I've got some errands for you. Then everything goes black, my heart freezes and my eyes fly open.