Getting Drunk So I Understand

Disappointment

One evening Grantaire was found quite drunk and grouchy in the café, waiting for the other Amis. He slouched in his chair and nursed his bottle. The others nodded to him in greeting as they entered the café. He did not talk much as they shared the daily gossip. A couple of the Amis asked him if he was alright, but he just shrugged them off.

No, he was not alright. The last couple days had made him feel worse about himself than ever. Two nights in a row found Grantaire so drunk that someone had to walk him home. Both nights it was Enjolras' unhappy task to help the poor drunk home. Both times Enjolras gave Grantaire the look that caused him to feel awful, the look that caused Grantaire to start drinking the next day- to forget. He never did though, it was as if Enjolras' expression was permanently engraved in his mind and heart and no matter what he did, Grantaire couldn't forget. It was the look of utter disappointment that Enjolras gave him. It hurt Grantaire more every time the expression was thrown at him.

He sighed as Enjolras walked in, talking animatedly with Combeferre. He took a drink from his bottle, hoping it would erase the nagging feeling that he was just going to further disappoint Enjolras to the point that he is asked to leave.

The evening passed quite uneventfully - not unusual for their social gatherings. Without the talk of revolution, they were much calmer. Although this never bothered Grantaire, but it was a different story with Enjolras. He would walk in the the café bursting full of energy and ready to make further plans. Then it would hit him. Everyone would either be too happy with their surroundings or glad to be in each others company. Like being pushed off a step, Enjolras would fall ever so slightly and it would show in his actions, but it was easy for him to regain himself and climb back up. But Grantaire was a different kettle of fish.

Grantaire did not move from his chair, he would sit there enjoying where he was and the atmosphere around, well, that's what he portrayed. Grantaire did wish for the day that they would be free, not from the Amis, free from the fighting. He understood exactly what was going on and in fact was looking forward to the death of General LaMarque, and looked forward to the rebellion between The National Guard to fight in what they believed in. Grantaire was thinking about how he wished he was a bird and could be free and be able to express himself easily without worrying what Enjolras and the rest of the Amis would think of him. He only paused from his thoughts to have a short conversation with Bahorel.

"Grantaire, you're awfully quiet tonight," Jehan said, "Even for a cynic."

"Sometimes, Jean Prouvaire, observing and thinking is more powerful than sharing your two cents."

"I would agree with that, if you were observing." Jehan said. He murmured something to Courfeyrac. Grantaire shook his head and took another long drink. He was used to them talking about him. Their words didn't hurt as he was used to it by now and the pain eased by the wine. The only pain and hurt Grantaire can't shake off is the one given by Enjolras. When he set his bottle down, he was startled to see Enjolras sitting next to him.

"Grantaire, are you sure nothing is wrong?" he asked. "I would prefer to not have to haul you home again. Why do you do this to yourself? Why do you drink yourself half to death every single day?"

His words stung. Grantaire knew he was a burden, but hearing someone, especially Enjolras, confirm it was like a slap in the face.

"I'm fine, you can return to your planning and rest assured that you will not have to haul this drunk home."

He paused, not processing Enjolras' question at first, "You don't want me to answer that." Enjolras shook his head, "Grantaire- I have known you too long to think this is just a mood brought on by drink. Yes, we are used to your cynical attitude; however it is rarely this morose for this long. What's wrong? And yes, yes I do want you to answer that."

Enjolras did not have the condescending tone that Grantaire had been expecting. Rather, his voice had the tone of concern. Concern. That was surprising to Grantaire. Enjolras, who only looked at him with disappointment, was concerned about the winecask.

"Can we talk?" Grantaire asked, before he could stop himself.

"Of course, I'm always willing to listen. What is bothering you?"

"Not here. I don't want to say this in front of everyone." He said. He wondered if he would actually be able to say what he needed to, even away from the others. Eponine had been pushing him to for a couple months, but what was the point, because there was truly none.

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A/N 

Second chapter!! I'm more than happy if you want to message me with ideas, constructive criticism or anything really! And as always..Enjoy! x