Burning eyes

This is life

Dear life,

I want to end my life.

I recently just tried...failed miserably.

Your probably thinking, "who the fuck cares?"

I know.

Nobody cares.

No one cares about me, and they shouldn't.

I'm shit.

Complete utter shit.

I feel like shit.

I look like shit.

Therefore, I am shit.

You really don't have to read my mental break down.

Haha get it?! 'Break Down' when really nobody is breaking it down or dancing.

Stupid joke, I know.

But I have to make jokes about myself or I'll start back with those dark thoughts.

Did you know artist usually suffer from mental issues. They either go mad, or commit suicide.

I suppose I understand, not really.

The voices..they don't stop.

Stay alive? Or take my life?

I can't even get my suicide right. That part of the reason I'm still here.

Yup.

I'm a screw up.

Fuck, I'm such a idiot.

I left my friends a note in their inbox on Facebook. I was going to leave a note for my little brother and mother.

Slipping the pills into my mouth. I swallowed.

I kissed my dog for the last time and scratched her tummy like she usually loves it.

Do I believe in God? I'm agnostic. That answer your question?

Half a bottle gone. Damn do I hate pills. Let me tell you it was hell swallowing them.

My good friend called the police and my mom, who wasn't home at the time. My brother was away for a while.

I threw it all up.

Selfish, I'm selfish.

I didn't think how I would hurt them all.

My mom raced over. My friend ran on foot. Both blubbering. Calling me, "stupid."

I know they don't want to hurt my feelings, but they were hurt. I broke them.

Stuck, I just stared at them with bloodshot eyes from crying my mind out after my mental break down before the pills.

I'm screwed up, huh?

I've been bullied..that's no excuse to take my life I know. But it wasn't just that.

Lord forgive me for I have sinned, but who am I saying my prayers too?

Everything just piled up.

I started to remember, a lot more than I wanted.

I was sexually assaulted many times. I'm surprised I remember.

Amazing how the brain is more protective of yourself than you are. It all was surprised.

I haven't told my mom of none of the incidents.

Once in elementary, more than I can remember in middle school, but damn am I glad nobody tried me in high school. But mostly by family members outside of school..

Nasty.

I'm scared now.

Scared to look in the mirror to see a disgusting whore that people just touch when they please.

I'm lost. A lost soul.

The stress of academics, sports, family deaths. It all was pressing down on me.

I feel empty.

I dot want your pity! Trust me, pity helps nobody.

I'm getting counseling now. Well I had before, but that was anger management. It actually works if I do say so myself. I'm as docile as a medicated broad. So much so that people believe I'm a stoner.

I'm pretty mellow.

Right now, I'm just trying to stay alive for the little bit who are.

Live, 

Laugh, 

Maybe even love.

Thankyou for reading.

You didn't have to, but thank you to the few who've read my screw ups.

Ha I'm such a basket case.

-A sick, sick girl.