DEFINE LOVE 2 (TRILOGY TO Diary Of A Gay Black Teen)

Relief

Jay P.O.V

I'm dying. Every second of everyday without them, I'm dying. Deep down, I know I can't come back from this, so I don't know why I haven't attempted to kill myself once again. I can't have a life without having a reason for living. They were the air I breathed, and now I'm running on lost hope... Their gone... that brings tears to my strained eyes just to know their... I cocked my gun from hearing a soft howl of the wind whistling. "Jay its just me." I fired endlessly at the voice and had no remorse at all. I kneeled down by his side just watching him choke on his own blood. So much for a dying reflection.

A week later

Cords! Every where I turned there were cords all connected to me. The room was all white. Where am I? I know I'm not deserving of heaven's golden gates to depart in acceptance of all my sins, so why in the hell am I here. I scanned my body once again just to notice one small wound in my chest covered by a big clear tube surrounding pure redness. There was blood either escaping it or coming in. In my sane mind, I would be going fucking nuts about this hole in my chest, but at this rate, it dont even matter. Nothing does.

It was then that I realized, I was here because I failed to kill myself again. Why I can't just die already! In complete madness over my existence, I snatched all the cords out in search of a relief I could not find. The tall machine standing inches away from the bed I laid in began to beep louder than any noise I've ever heard. My ear drums started to burn. Suddenly I became weak all over, without being connected to the machine. Hopefully in a matter of seconds, without its connection, I wont be connected to life.

But I wasn't dying quick enough. Soon I knew it would draw unwanted attention that would want to save me, so I got to get out of here. I wish people would just give up on me and stop trying to help. Mentally Im already dead. My soul is deceased. Are they blind!

As I managed to lift myself out the bed, a nurse fled in. I fell over trying to make strength come where there was none left. "Sir why did you do this. Your not stable right now. You have a hole in your chest for God's sake." She helped me back up to the bed as if I would obey her order. I feel like a robot, but I'll be damned if I start being one.

I attempted to walk once more as she touched me, but I stumbled. Out of no where, I was able to push her across the floor. My neck turned watching her petite body slide away. Pecks of blood was sliding out the hole in my chest, but I cared less about the pain it caused on me. I cared less of the weakness it was bringing upon me once again.

I leaned against the wall dragging myself away as I got weaker. I got as far as the elevator before some people shut me down by injecting me off guard, with something in a needle. I fought lightly until it drained all of the strength I had left and I became null. "I want out." I barely screamed as the only thing I had control over tiredly blinked close.

"Jay." My eyes fluttered open to Jakayla's presence. Felt like I had been out forever when I awoke to her voice. She looked like she'd been crying for days. I snatched the hand of mine that she was holding away and looked off from her into the light ass room. I stared down at my wrist and saw that they had cuffed me to the hospital bed so I wouldn't get up, like I would get far anyway.

This bull shit aint even caused for. "I'm still gone kill myself." I yelled since I still had the right away to that.

"Jay please." Jakayla looked heart broken by my words but I didn't even care. "I know how you feel but we still need you. Jay can you please, please, stop trying to kill yourself. You all the blood family I got left, and you being selfish. I lost the twins back there too and I'm hurt,.... but I'll be devasted if lose you too." She cried like a bitch. I didn't even have nothing to say. Really there was nothing left to say. She may be hurt, but she don't and will never understand my hurt. "Plus you got these people around here thinking your crazy." She whispered closer. See this why I don't want her here. I don't care about what nobody think of me. Plus she don't need to see me in such a depressing state. I'm around here losing my mind, and she knows it. I can tell seeing me only hurts her worse, so I don't know why she waist her time sticking a round waiting for a dead soul to be revived. I'm not Jay no more. I'm a fucking nobody.