The Bandana Boy

21. Help

We got back from Ohio about a month ago. Dannii had to go back to Atlanta. The boys were busy with the new album so it was rare to see them for multiple hours at a time and when they did have days off they were exhausted. It was hard to go from seeing them all day to seeing them for a few hours.

I spent most of my time with Adien, Aaron, and Juliet. I enrolled Adien in public school and started working on his room.

I was finishing up the paintings in Adien's room. It was The Nightmare Before Christmas themed. The walls were painted with scenes from the movie. I was singing along to Of Mice & Men as I finished the details of the sky. I set my paintbrush down and gazed at my work.

"Not too bad" I mumbled to myself.

Somebody wrapped their arms around my waist, "Not bad at all," they said.

"HOLY FU- Dammit Jacky, you little bastard" I screamed.

He didn't reply. He was too busy laughing at me.

I started to pick up my paintbrushes and clean up the paint.

"Are you giving me the silent treatment?" Jacky asked me.

I have him and innocent look and shrugged my shoulders.

He squinted his eyes, "Two can play at that game".

He followed me as I walked downstairs and cleaned my paintbrushes.

"Okay I don't like this game" Jacky said.

"I have to pick Adien up from school" I said as I took off my painting apron.

"Lets go" he said.

We slipped on our shoes and got in my car. He drove with his left hand on the wheel and his right hand holding mine.

"I'm worried about you" I whispered.

"Why are you worried about me? I'm fine" he said.

"You've barely slept, Jacky. And when you do sleep you toss and turn all night. You're exhausted" I rambled.

"I know, but I'm fine. Yes, I am tired, but we have the next two weeks off. I can sleep then" he said.

"So you have then next two weeks off? No surprise recordings?" I asked.

"Yes. Now, less about how I'm doing. How have you been? Have you been eating?" He asked.

Fuck. I knew that question would come up at some point.

"Adrianna?" He asked.

I sighed.

"I've been trying, but I can't keep anything down"

He pulled into the school parking lot.

"We'll talk later" he said and then kissed my hand.

We walked into the school and told the receptionist we were here to get Adien. She called him over the intercom and he came running down the hall about five minutes later. I scooped him into my arms and squeezed him.

"How was school?" Jacky asked Adien.

"Okay" Adien said.

I set him on his feet and we walked back out to the car. When we got home we fed Adien and then sat him down to do his homework.

"Okay, if you need any help Adrianna and I will be upstairs and Aaron, Ryan, Derek, and Juliet are in the living room" Jacky told Adien.

Adien nodded and started to work. Jacky and I went to our room. He sat on the bed.

"Are you mad at me?" I asked Jacky quietly as I sat down next to him.

"No, of course not. I'm not going to get mad at you for something you can't stop" he said.

"But all I have to do is eat" I said.

"It's not that simple. It's a disease of the mind. It takes time. You're not going to be able to do it on your own and you won't have to. Everyone in this house loves you and we'll help you get through this, but we can't do it alone" he whisper the last sentence an I knew exactly what he meant.

"I don't want to go to a hospital or rehab or wherever. I don't want to leave" I said.

"I know you don't want to leave, and I don't want you to leave, but if that's what it takes to help you, then that's what you have to do" Jacky explained.

"Okay. When?" I sighed.

"I already called. I'll take you tonight. They'll keep you for a few days and monitor your eating" he explained.

"You sneaky little bastard" I said.

"I love you too"

"Can we keep this a secret for now? I don't want them to know yet" I asked him.

"Yeah but you're gonna have to tell them when you get back" he replied.

"I know. Thank you, Jacky. I love you so much" I said as I leaned my head on his shoulder.

He nodded his head and kissed my cheek.

"I'll let you pack. They said to bring baggy pants and T-shirts. No long sleeves and no jackets I'm gonna go check on Adien" Jacky said.

I nodded my head and flopped down on the floor.

Better start packing.

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"Tell Adien I love him" I told Jacky.

"I will, every morning before school and every night before bed" Jacky said.

"Pinky promise?" I stuck out my pinky.

"Pink promise." He wrapped his pinky around mine.

"I love you, Jacky. I'll see you next Saturday" I said.

"I love you too, Adrianna" he kissed my head.

I turned around and walked through the hospital doors. I walked up to receptionist and checked in. A lady in blue scrubs came out of an office and gave me the directions to my room. I set my bag down in the room I'd be living in for the next week. And Apparently I had a roommate. He was young, maybe sixteen, with dark brown hair and familiar brown eyes.

"Hi, you must be Adrianna. I'm Mason" he introduced himself.

"Um, yeah that's me. It's nice to meet you Mason" I said.

"You too. I'm going to assume you're in here for an eating disorder?" He asked.

I nodded my head.

"If you don't mind me asking, what's your last name?" I asked him.

"Carlile, and yes, I am Austin's little brother" He said.

"No way, I'm a fan" I said as I sat down on my bed.

"I know. I follow you on Twitter. You're Jacky's girlfri- fiancé?" Mason waggled his eyebrows as his eyes caught the ring on my finger.

"Yeah he proposed on Christmas" I smiled as I looked at the ring.

"I wish you two the best of luck" Mason said.

"Thanks. So are you in here for an eating disorder too?" I asked him.

"Umm kinda. That hall down there," He pointed to the hall towards the left,"those are for the people with eating disorders. We're here for eating disorders, but we're also on suicide watch" he explained.

"Why the fuck am I on suicide watch? I don't ne-"

"Adrianna, I'm halfway across the room and I can see the the scars and cuts on your wrist" Mason shut me up.

"I am not suicidal" I said.

"You are. You have a fiancé who loves you, a brother that would die for you, and friends like family, but you still find yourself thinking that they would be better off without you. You have everything to live for, yet you still want to die" He said.

I laid back on my bed and let his words sink in. He was right. I loved my life and I loved everyone in it but there was something that kept pulling me back into a depression.

"You know, I see a lot of the stuff you're sent on Twitter and Instagram and it's definitely not all sunshine and cupcakes. How does that effect you?" Mason asked.

"It makes me feel like shit. Every time I open it up I'm being told that I'm a whore, I'm fake, I'm ugly, fat, plastic, a druggie, an alcoholic and it fucking sucks junk" I told him.

"I don't think you're any of that. I haven't even know you for a day but I can tell that you're one of the sweetest people I've ever met. You're not a whore and you're definitely not ugly, fat, or plastic. And I know you're not a druggie or alcoholic because trust me I've seen them both and you aren't either" Mason said.

"Thanks Mason. It means a lot considering we barely know each other" I told him.

"You're welcome" he said.

"So why are you on suicide watch?" I asked him.

"Well, this isn't my first time here. I've been in and out of this pace since I was thirteen. The first time was when I tried to suffocate myself. I've tried almost everything. Cutting, overdosing, I've tried walking out into traffic and in front of trains. But I almost had it this time. I hung myself. And I wouldn't be here right now if it weren't for Austin. He walked in the moment I stepped off the chair" Mason spoke in a bittersweet voice.

"Are you mad that he saved you?" I asked.

"Is it really considered being saved if its what you wanted?"

I thought about his words for a moment.

"I think it is. It's what you want now, but what about ten years from now?" I said.

"That's kind of hypocritical" he replied.

"Yeah I know" I said.

"Dinner is here" A nurse said as she came into the room with two trays of food.

She sat the trays on the table in the corner of the room.

"We can see everything you do so don't try anything stupid. If you don't eat, you'll be fed through tubes so I suggest you get over your issues and eat" she said an then left the room.

"Fucking hell. Is she always like that?" I asked Mason.

"Yeah. She doesn't like working in this part of the hospital because most of us are teenagers and she thinks this is a cry for attention" he said.

"She makes me want to cut a bitch" I said causing Mason to choke on the water he was drinking.

We sat down at the table and started poking at our food. I chewed each bite thoroughly.

Nope. It didn't want to stay down. I sipped on my water and started tapping my foot.

"Tilt your head back and try not to think about it" Mason told me.

I did what he said and the sick feeling slowly subsided.

"Thanks" I said.

Mason nodded his head in response.

I ate the rest of my food tilting and distracting every time I felt it come back up. The bitchy lady came back in to take our plates and then told us to go to bed.

"My gosh I feel like I'm four again, except my mom was a lot nicer than her" I mumbled as I climbed into the small, white bed.

"I remember those days. I was seven when my mom died and eleven when my dad died. Austin would always tell me how much they loved us. I wish they were here" Mason said just loud enough for me to hear.

"She'll always be with you, in your heart and by your side, whether you see her or not" I told him.

"You know, I'm really happy you're here. It's nice to have someone who understands" Mason said.

I sighed, "My mom left when I was barely five. No note, no goodbye. My dad wasn't the same after she left. He would talk to us. He wouldn't even look at us. Aaron and I took care of each other. Dad would buy food and pay the bills, but there was no love. It was only because he had to. I don't know where my mom went and sometimes I want to hate her for leaving us, but I can't. I know she loved us and I really hoe she had a good reason for leaving" I said.

"Have you ever thought about looking for her?" Mason asked.

"I've thought about it" I said.

"I think you should try" Mason said after a few minutes.

"Goodnight Mason"

"Goodnight Adrianna"

I closed my eyes and let sleep take over.

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It was Friday. I had one more day here and today was probably going to be the worst. Mason was leaving today.

"You better keep in touch with me" Mason said.

"I'll call you when I get out" I told him.

"Pinky promise?" He asked.

"Pinky promise"

We wrapped our pinkies together.

"Bye Mason"

"Bye Adrianna"

Mason walked out of the room. I sat down on my bed. The room was so empty without him. He may have been three years younger than me but he helped me through the week. I just hope I don't have to stay longer.

"Immmm baaaaaack," Mason popped back into the room.

"Why are you still here?" I laughed.

"Weeelllll, I was walking into the lobby and I saw the nurse talking to some guy so I walked over there and it was Jacky and he said that he's here to get you so come on come on let's go come on Adrianna come on," Mason said quickly.

"Seriously?" I asked.

"I shit you not," he replied.

I quickly threw my stuff in my bag and slipped on my Toms.

"I'm ready lets gooo," I told Mason.

We ran down the halls and on to the elevator.

"This. Is. So. Slow." I whined.

"I know I'm so ready to get out of here," Mason said.

The elevator dinged and we ran out to the lobby. I saw Jacky and started to run to him.

"Jacky!" I yelled.

He turned around and a smiled as he saw me. He wrapped his arms around me an pressed his lips to mine.

"I'm so happy to see you," he said.

"Same here...but with you. Guess what? I made a new friend!" I said quickly.

"Leave it to you to make a friend in a hospital," Jacky chuckled.

Mason made his way to us.

"Somebody is hyper," Mason laughed.

"I'm just excited to leave, but I'm going to miss you," I pouted.

"We'll keep in touch. I don't break my pinky promises," Mason said.

"I know. Bye Mason..again," I laughed.

"Bye Adrianna. Bye Jacky"

Jacky waved to Mason.

"Are you ready to leave?" Jacky asked me.

"Yesss. Lets gooo," I smiled.

Jacky wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me closer to him.

We got in the car and drove home.

"You don't have to go back. Your nurse said that you did amazing. They told me to keep an eye on your eating and that you're still on suicide watch, so you can't be left alone and you'll have to take antidepressants," Jacky said as we pulled into the driveway.

"Oh, well at least I don't have to go back," I said.

He cut the ignition and sighed.

"Why did you do it?" He asked in a whisper.

"I don't know. I was just thinking about the past and then I just...ended up relapsing" I said.

Jacky kissed my wrist.

"Please don't do it again," he said.

"I won't"

"I love you," Jacky said.

"I love you too," I said.

We got out of the car and went inside.

"Where the hell have you been?" Aaron yelled.

"Aaron chill, she just got back," Ronnie said.

"I will not chill! You disappeared for a week! You abandoned all your responsibilities and left us here without explanation! And Jacky wouldn't tell us anyth-"

"I told him not to," I shouted back.

"Of course you would! I was worried sick all week! How could you be so selfish? Do y-"

"Me? Selfish? Are you really gonna pull that card on me? I can't believe you, Aaron. I'm nineteen years old, not ten. I don't need a fucking leash"

"Dad was right, you're just like mom," Aaron turned around and started to walk away.

"Dammit Aaron, I was in the hospital. I couldn't eat and I relapsed so they put me on suicide watch. I left so I could get better for Adien and Jacky and you and everybody else in here. So I'm sorry for being selfish," I walked out of the house and slammed the door behind me.


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This probably isn't as long as I thought


and


it's probably been longer then a week since I last updated


but


o
h

w
e
l
l

I'm already working on the next chapter. I'm not going to put a expected time limit because I usually don't follow them. It might be a week, a month, a day(doubt it), I don't know.

I hope you have an amazing Monday. I think it's Father's Day(???) so if your father is alive, stuck around, and cares wish him a happy Father's Day.

SPEAKING OF FATHERS

R
O
N
N
I
E

IS NOW A DAD. Willow Radke was born a few days ago. So HAPPY FATHER'S DAY RONNIE

And Fashionably Late was released. I haven't actually listened to it yet(can we just take a moment to weep for me because I ran oUT OF SPACE ON MY IPOD)

Anywho, I don't think anything to important has happened lately.


WAIT WARPED STARTED YESTERDAY(or is it today?) I am not going to Warped(sobs) because my mom isn't a huge fan of my. music and I don't have money and I don't have anybody to go with and my mom would never let me go alone and tbh the lineup this year is pretty shitty(there are some amazing bands going, but pierce the veil, of mice & men and falling in reverse aren't going soooo yeah)

.

So yeah I think that's it. I hope you all have a great day. If you're feeling down, cheer up. The darkness doesn't last forever. If you're feeling happy, I hope you stay happy. And if you have cats, l o v e t h e m


Stay happy, stay weird, stay positive, and never stop smiling.


"You have many options in life, never make giving up one of them" -Austin Carlile