The Nonbinary Notebook

The One with the Haircut

November 27, 2015

(Disclaimer: the picture in the thingy is not me, it's from Google)

11:04 AM

I got a huuuuuge surprise today—my aunt called me out of the blue, and asked me if I was busy. I said "no". She asked if I wanted to get my hair cut. I said "YEESSSSSSOMG ASDFGGHJKL YESSSSS". She said "ok, be there in two hours".

I am SO EXCITED and yet SO NERVOUS. I'm sweating and my hands are shaky and I'm practically hyperventilating but God am I excited. Because I realized...

This is the first step.

It might not be the biggest step in my transition, or the final one by a long shot, or the most important, but it's the starting point. Today is the day I start to become more like myself.

Today is the day I validate my own identity.

The second the hairdresser is done snipping and I look in the mirror is the first second I get to be me.

I know this is all a bit repetitive, but this is just such a big moment in my journey, in my transition, that I need to document it from every angle, including every detail.

Today is the day I start to be me.

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11:26 AM

My dad tried to talk me out of cutting my "long, flowing locks". I shut him down.

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2:47 PM

I DID IT. I feel amazing. I feel like the weight of a thousand sets of long, flowing locks have been lifted from my shoulders. And I got Starbucks, so that's awesome too!

Gone is the dysphoria that has plagued me for so long, even before I knew what it was. Gone are the ponytails and braids I've had to endure since I was a tiny little "girl". I'm a step closer to passing, and a step closer to really accepting myself, inside and out. And that is so worth a little mousse.

I was so worried before getting it cut. Will I regret it? Will I hate it? But once I looked in the mirror when it was finished, it just felt so natural. It was strange, because it didn't hit me—it wasn't "Oh my god, I'm so happy with my hair", it was more "Wow...I'm not sad about my hair anymore". It was such a relief.

All in all, an amazing experience. I'm so glad I went through with it.