Closed Doors

5

I'm still weak from the dehydration and it's been three days. Water came earlier. I guess they still haven't learned their lesson that I almost died because of lack of water. But of course, I still only get a little every few days.
Have you taken over the possitive?
Only if you allow me, Raphael.
I know that the voice isn't real, but yet it controls my every thought.
Remember how smug Leonardo was whenever he knew that you were angry? Remember how Donnetello would look at you whenever you were better than him at something? Remember Michelangelo and how he would absorb the extra attention while you say in the dust?
I still have hope. I still have hope.
Liar! You have no hope. You just want silence. You know you will take your last breath in this prison. You know it!
Shut up. You won't control me.
I already am.
No your not.
Are your brothers still your family?
No.
Then I have succeeded for now, Raphael.
No you haven't. I will win.
"Hello Raphael." Karai says. She has been bringing me food almost every day. I don't know how she doesn't get caught.
She opens the cell door and closes it behind her. She sets down next to me and hands me the tray. Bread, cheese, steak, water. The usual besides the mush that Razaar gives me.
I take the tray and thank her and begin to eat. She looks at the carvings on the walls.
"Those are really good, Raphael." she says. I nod my head as I stuff more bread in my mouth.
"Do you miss them?" Karai asks.
No. You don't.
Yes I do. I want to go home.
Back to those idiots. No. You will stay here and die an honorable death.
Being killed as a prisoner is NOT honorable.
More honorable than being belittled by your brothers.
"Raphael? Are you okay?" Karai asks as she shakes my shoulder a little.
"Hmm? Oh. Yeah. I guess I just spaced out a little."
"Yeah.....Raphael, are you sure you're okay?"
Don't tell her.
What if I want to?
I'll make you miserable.
You already are.
"Do you need another IV?"
"No. I think I'll be fine. It's just that-"
I SAID NOT TO TELL HER, DIDN'T I?
Please stop screaming.
NO! YOU DESERVE THIS! IT WILL MAKE YOU STRONGER! I'LL MAKE YOU STRONGER!
Stopstopstopstopstop.
I fall over and scream at the top of my lungs.
"Stop!"
But the voice keeps yelling the hate over and over again in my head.
"Raphael? Raphael!" Karai yells in my ear.
"Stay awake!"
She shakes my shoulder. The voice finally shuts up.
Thank you. Thank you.
I begin to cry. I roll into a ball and just cry.
"Raphael, are you all right?"
Stop crying. You're being weak. What did I just tell you, be strong or I will make you pay.
I sit up and wipe my eyes. I look at Karai. She looks like a genuine help. She could help me. But if I tell her the voice will come back. Is it worth it?
"Are you all right?" she asks again.
I nod my head. I decide to keep it behind a door for now. I don't need it yelling at me again.
"Remember. I'm always here if you want to tell about something. Anything. Your family, maybe?"
"No. I don't need to talk." I say.
That's good. She can't help you either. The only thing she's good for is fresh and clean water. She could make you stronger with my help, at least.
Just let me think for a while.
Raphael. I am your thoughts.
"But-"
"I said I DON'T need to talk!" I raise my voice to make my point clearer for her.
"Okay." she says. She gathers the tray, that is clean and walks out of the cell, closing it and locking it behind her.
All alone are we?
I don't need your input.
I am your input. I am your thoughts. I am you. What do you not understand?
You will never be me. I am strong.
But I am stronger.
"Raph, can you give me a piggy back ride?" Mikey.
"Sure little buddy." I say.
I give him a piggy back ride.
"Leo. Can you give me a piggy back ride?" I ask.
"No. You're too heavy."
Do you see what I mean? They wouldn't even give you a piggy back ride when you were a child.
I was too heavy. I was always the heavy one,
Lies! All lies! They didn't want you around them. Even then, now look. Alone and dying in a prison.
I will live if they help me and if Karai keeps feeding me.
You will die because they will never come.
I look at the carvings on the wall. Splinter meditating. Leo training. Donnie flirting with April. Mikey watching t.v.
Why did you do that? You ruined a perfectly good wall.
It reminds me of home.
THIS IS YOUR HOME!
This is a prison. That's what you said.
Anywhere can be your home if you allow it, and you should. Because you will never escape from this place.
Hope.
What did you say?
I said hope. Hope of a better tomorrow, hope of a better life.
Childish dreams.
No. Childish dreams are hope that you will be famous or an astronaut or a doctor. Those are dreams. Hope is the belief in something better. The belief that I will make it home.
Not if I take over. Why don't you let me? I could make you so much better.
I don't want to be better. I want my family.
Those aren't your family. I'm your family. We're the same, you and me.
I will never be like you.
We will see.
I walk around the small cell again. I have memorized every rock, crack, and and shackle in this place. I go to my normal spot to urinate. It isn't brown any more. That's good. I go back to the place that I usually sleep. It is cold again.
What type of sick torture is this,
It will make you stronger.
Can you not shut up for two seconds with that crap!?!
I'm shivering and it is a very long night. I somehow eventually fall asleep, finally with a little moment of silence.
▶◀▶◀▶◀▶◀
Okay. I should've made this clear.
Raph is going slowly insane due to seclusion and dehydration.
Things written like this is are the insane Raph speaking inside of his mind.
Things like this means that the normal and sane Raph is fighting back.
Things like this are childhood memories that the insane Raph uses against the sane Raph.
And of course. This means Authors notes.
Please read my other fanfictions. I will be publishing some books on your life with TMNT. I will begin on them sometime this week, probably.
Thx for all the reads. You guys rock.