It hurt to watch. Like watching Morgana fall or Lancelot's shade and Arthur fight all over again.
It wasn't right. Watching the fights, he kept thinking - No. This isn't how it works. This isn't what happens. Natasha doesn't lie to Clint about which side she's on and leave him to die when he figures out the truth. Steve doesn't bring his shield down on what he knows is a weak point in Tony's armor. Vision doesn't destroy Falcon's wings when he's two hundred feet above the ground.
This isn't how it works. They save each other. They'd do anything for each other. This isn't - They couldn't - They were brothers.
(Like the knights had been, until Mordred had turned away.)
They were family.
(Like Morgana had been, until Morgause had come.)
They were good people.
(Uther had been a good king, once. Morgana had been sweet. And Merlin . . . Merlin had been good too. Once.)
He couldn't quite keep track of the rhetoric. He wasn't sure what to make of it all. He understood all too well what Steve was feeling, but was Bucky like Arthur would be someday, returned in full, or was he like Lancelot's shade, there only to destroy? He understood well what was legal and what was right didn't always coincide, but he also knew the need for rules.
(You have to get up in the morning. All the way up, even if you can't remember why it's important.
You can't kill people unless you have a really good reason. Making fun of Arthur is not a good reason. You used to do that too, remember.
You have to eat. Starvation may not kill you, but you will pass out.
You have to spend at least an hour remembering, no matter how much it hurts. If you don't keep the memories fresh, you'll forget.
No matter how much you want to forget, remember anyway. If you don't, you'll regret it later.
You cannot snap at people just because its the anniversary of someone's death. If you do, you'll never stop snapping at people.)
Rules were important.
It hurt to listen. To know what was coming. To watch and wait for the horrible news that someone had fallen.
(Will, Freya, Balinor, Lancelot, Elyan, Gwaine, Arthur, Gaius, Hunith, Gwen, Percival, Leon, Gili, John, Robin - )
Fight for us, they said. We're right. Fight for us. We're your friends.
Merlin runs away and hides and turns on children's cartoons instead of the news. He works in the garden by hand and hums loudly and does anything to just stop thinking.
He goes to town and sees the headline blaring across the newspaper, and he sobs until he throws up, because he knew, he knew, he knew.
But he can never, ever, stop it.
