A/N: There's a sequel to the last two coming, but this isn't it.
Warning for Dark AU.
. . .
She didn't mean to, the first time.
She'd been watching him for a while, watching that supernova of magic and destiny, and she couldn't help wanting to bask in its warmth. She couldn't help wanting a taste.
So when Merlin woke up from the poison, she'd let her relief goad her into giving in to temptation, and she darted forward and kissed him.
It was her first kiss.
It felt -
Intoxicating.
His magic was a part of him, his magic WAS him, but his destiny was loose, barely connected to him yet. It was so large amd so bright that she couldn't help wanting just a SMALL taste . . .
When she finally pulled up from the kiss, she felt drunk on the high of it, all gold and sweet within her.
Merlin looked pale and half dead, but he'd already looked like that, surely.
And he still served Arthur, so clearly she hadn't taken ALL of it.
(Destiny and loyalty are two different things.)
(Later she wondered if that was why things turned out as they did.)
. . .
She'd never known her mother. She wondered if her mother could have explained this feeling, if she'd lived.
She wanted more. It had been so good.
But - not from Merlin. It wouldn't be . . . right. They'd only just gotten over the awkwardness from the last one.
Lancelot, though. Lancelot made her shiver inside. He had a destiny too, but she didn't want that. Nothing could compare to the one she'd tasted already. She wanted something better.
She had to work up to this one. It took a while, she didn't fully understand it, but it was worth it, in the end.
In the tunnels of that dreadful castle, they kissed.
Loyalty, she thought. Let me taste your loyalty.
The strength and beauty of it made her weep with happiness as she ran on.
Lancelot stayed to fight them off, because he was chivalrous.
(That would have been the reason, had she not kissed him.)
(As it was, at her word, he would have chopped off his own head.)
. . .
Gwaine was tempting. Ever so tempting. He was so charming. So handsome.
But Arthur was shining ever brighter, and he was the jealous type. Better not to risk it.
(There was a time when she wouldn't have thought like this.)
(Later, when her wedding fell through and she'd been thrown out of the city, she found Sir Gwaine and grabbed his face. She kissed him, and he stopped trying to pull back after the first second. I need a friend, she whispered, and the force that poured into her nearly carried her away.)
(Gwaine tried so hard to be a good friend to Merlin, but he wasn't quite as good at it, after that.)
. . .
Arthur was the only one she let herself return to. She didn't ask for much with him. She couldn't, with all the spells he was buried under. Love spells, protection charms, don't notice me's -
Some of them tasted awful and some of them tasted like Merlin, but all of them tasted like secrets, and she liked the elusive thrill.
(Later, she decided, she should have taken more. He couldn't have thrown her out then.)
(After their victory, she kissed him until their friends were laughing at them. Even then, she only loosened the destiny so thick upon him. Arthur was dazed through dinner and the others teased him. It took her weeks of kisses to steal every last bit of it.)
(Arthur had nightmares the whole time. She should feel guilty, she realized.
Mainly, she just felt so, so happy, so she kissed him again, and he trembled as he dreamed.)
. . .
Then Arthur was dead, and she was queen, but that kind of power meant little to her.
Merlin returned to the court, stricken with grief. She gave him a position to keep him close.
All that magic, bubbling up within him. All that life. All that grief. All that loyalty.
Merlin would never be an empty husk.
He fought the Lamia, she remembered, but that Lamia was weak, and his defenses were down now. She thought, perhaps, if she was careful -
They were alone in the council room when she made her move. She leaned down to kiss the top of his head. Just a sip, for now.
Merlin spun and backed away and there was knowledge in his eyes.
"I'm sorry, Gwen," he said. She could see the magic in his eyes. She could see what he was about to do.
But she could also see the desperation in him. She could see how he was about to break.
"I'm only trying to help," she told him, as innocent as the day they met. "I can make it hurt less."
She looked him in the eyes as she walked forward. She made her expression look pleading. Sweet.
He didn't resist when she pressed her lips to his.
Mine, she thought. I want him to be mine.
Merlin went under.
(But there was a small voice in the back of his head that laughed and said, Your's, is he? Well, perhaps for now.)
(But remember, your majesty, Magic had him first. And Magic always gets its toys back in the end.)
(And now it's got you too.)
