My Captive Heart

(XV) "All I Do is Hand Out A Heart That Needs Your Love"

I do think that marriage can be a wonderful thing if it's right for the two people involved. I believe in love-very much so-how can you not believe after you've experienced it? I believe in relationships. I often look forward to having children; in fact, it would be nice to have a big family, since I come from such a large one myself. In my fantasy about having a large family, I imagine myself with thirteen children.

One day, I know I'll get married myself. To be honest, I feel as if I've found the right woman-someone I want to share the rest of my life with. I've known her for years, since I was a child, and she's always been there for me. Our friendship has always meant a great deal to me. It was only recently in the beginning of 1987 that we became more than friends. We fell in love and I'm very happy with her at this point in my life. I just wish she would believe it. But I can't blame her for doubting me. My heart is still defensive in a way...from a previous relationship.

I've told you earlier about my first loves. But I guess I should mention my first heartbreak. It's the reason I am the way I am. In the early eighties, I began seeing this girl. We mostly dated over the phone actually, she lived quite a distance from California, somewhere down south. It's funny, because when you look at a map, the distance between two states don't seem as far. But when you leave your heart thousands of miles away in someone else's possession, the longing is incredibly painful. I didn't really have to time for 'love' but this girl snatched my entire being with just her smile. I was so in love and experienced different feelings for her. It was more real than anything I've ever felt. I couldn't help but picture my future with her, years down the line. But of course, it was too good to be true.

We dated for about a year. When Quincy told me to go in the studio and beg while recording The Lady in My LIfe, it was the sweet memory of this girl who pushed me through it. It's weird because we never even told each other 'I love you.' It was something that didn't need to be spoken, I guess. We said it through our affection.

One night she called me and told me we had to go our separate ways. It was for a very juvenile reason, one not worth mentioning. She broke my heart in pieces when she spoke those departing words. It was as if I lost a part of myself. Something inside of me died. She wasn't my first girlfriend and I would date others after her, but she was the only girl who managed to break through my shield. With her, I was needy, helpless, at her mercy. After that, I promised myself I would never give myself to a woman like that again.

I never told anyone but we actually tried getting back together a year later. It went bad real fast. She was already into this other guy, which tore me a part all over again. And I knew this guy was no good for her. But, hey, they're still together today so maybe I was wrong about him. I hope so.

It's hard to admit the pain I went through after losing her (losing her more than once) changed me and still affects me today-because I'm not able to give my all to my new girlfriend. I don't know if I'll ever be able to give myself completely to her. I never want to fall that deep in love again and have it taken away from me. My girl knows this and it kills her inside. I'm really trying, though. But my heart just won't give it's all. I'm still very guarded in that way.

It's like-- taking a stroll down an unfamiliar road to get home, and then being brutally attacked. You would never want to take that route again, even if you knew it was the quickest way home. This will take time. I want to fall completely in love but I never want to feel that void again. So until I'm ready, it just has to be this way.

Right now, my work still takes up most of my time and the majority of my emotional life. I work all the time. I love creating and coming up with new projects. As for the future, que sera, sera. Time will tell. It would be hard for me to be that dependent on somebody else again, but I can imagine it if I try. There's so much I want to do and so much work to be done. I just hope my girlfriend doesn't lose patience with me. Because she doesn't realize if she leaves me, I'd still be heartbroken. I need her in my life one way or another.*