The Blindfold » l.t au

thirty nine

Mina shot me a look that was quite disapproving as she left us alone, and I knew it was out of sheer protectiveness of Louis. I knew how she exactly felt. I wanted to guard his heart and keep it safe...but I ended up breaking it in the worst way and wasn't sure if I'd be able to mend it. Had he finally decided that I was nothing to him? I both hoped and loathed that. I hoped he did...because I hated putting him in so much pain. 

I realized I've been quiet for so long when Louis cleared his throat, looking a bit impatient, and maybe a little hopeful. Perhaps I was just imagining this. I didn't believe he'd want anything to do with me.

I was hopeless, completely, and I was certain he wasn't going to take me back if I grovelled, but I loved him, and I at least owe him a long apology that could be enough for him to let this go. My voice shook, "I'm sorry that I dragged you out in your weekend. I'm sure you had better things to do than listen to me at all. And, I realize that it's too late to...explain but I suppose you were right. I owe you." 

"That day when your father came over and I heard about..." I trailed off, not wanting to say it. "It shocked me, and hurt like hell. I acted out of instinct, getting dressed and keeping George's number close. I was ready to leave before you even told me not to." 

Tears burned my eyes. "After you explained...I don't know, I believed you, but I just wanted to escape. I couldn't look at you without picturing her fucking lips on yours. I had just made love to you the night before, and couldn't bear that she touched you. I wanted to let you know that I'd take a few days away just to calm down, but then, I realized that you'd think I didn't trust you. That was not why I left, I swear...but it wouldn't change a thing, would it? I stayed away for so long hoping that I could forget it, forget you, but everyday was just hell. I thought you'd forget about me, I wanted you to. But when I came back I saw your anger, your pain, and hated myself so much for what I did. I wish I could take it all back. I really want to." 

I finally looked at him, and found him standing so still with his hands clenched at his sides. My heart shattered, he was so done with me. I took a step closer, testing the waters, but he didn't move. I thought he'd stop me, but he didn't, not even when I was mere inches away. He was looking down, his face wet but otherwise there was no sign of what he thought of me. I hesitantly tried to wipe his tears, but my hand shook so hard I couldn't do it. 

I sobbed. "I'm so sorry. I'm so fucking sorry for everything." I whispered, wanting to ease his pain. But how could I? I was the pain. I hurt myself and I hurt him too. 

I finally gathered some courage to touch his cheek, half-expecting him to stop me, but he didn't. I wiped his tears, felt mine stream down harder but I didn't care. He didn't move and didn't say a word, and I whimpered, "Say something...please. Anything." 

"I'm so angry with you," he looked at me, and my heart lurched in my throat. I squeezed my eye shut against the pain. "I'm not sure if I can forgive you, Lola. How can I even trust you won't flee again? It was a small fight and look how long you've been away. My heart isn't a plaything for anyone." 

"I know," I was breathing heavily, my head pounding with how much I was in pain. "I didn't mean to play you, I swear. Maybe I could...earn your trust somehow?" 

He laughed, humorlessly. "How will you do that?" 

I could hear the desperation in my voice. "I-I'll find a way. Give me a chance." Please, please say yes. 

He stepped away from me, running his hand through his hair, exhaling loudly. My body ached to feel him near again, but I deserved that pain. He was silent for so long and I braced myself to be rejected, yet, I waited. And waited. The silence stretched and every second spent in wait was like a needle to my heart.