The Blindfold » l.t au

thirty six

I'm such a bad girl and I'm sooo behind in this story I was supposed to end it before December but college is shitty and I barely have time to rest, let alone write. 

But anywayyy, here's a new chapter! Please, vote, comment and let me know what you think? Thank you so so so so so much for all your votes, comments and support so far it really feels incredible to have this much support. I love you all ^^ ❤

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I've been holing up at George's place for a week now, and it hadn't gotten any easier to be away from him. 

I literally had no idea why I left, well, maybe deep inside I had a reason, but now, a week later, that reason seems shittier than shit. I suppose that for a moment back then, I felt like that time when I was so needy I hated myself. But I was certainly sure that my lover now and my lover then weren't the same. I didn't need Louis to the point where I wanted to kill myself. I needed him in that sweet, almost lovely way that made me go to him when I needed comfort and love and fun. It wasn't the same, not even a fraction of what I had with Louis represented anything in my old life. 

But god, I did miss him. I missed him in that way that made me ache with every breath I took, the kind of ache that was so deeply inside you couldn't even ignore it or try to perhaps rub it off. The pain was a living thing inside me and I knew what would cure it. But I doubted that he'd ever forgive me for walking away. I had sent a clear message that day that I didn't trust him at all, and while it had never been the truth, he had the right to believe it that way. 

George hovered around wearing a sweet concerned expression, but really, what could he do to get me to smile? My reason to smile was far away from me, and I loathed the day I'd go back to my apartment, run into him, and see the betrayal and pain on his face. I had to go back eventually, but when? I really didn't know. 

And so more time went, and my pain hadn't lessened at all. 

Ten days

Fifteen days

One month

Two months

Three months

Five months...

It was one a.m. and I exited George's car with my backpack, sending him a wan smile and waving lamely. I was sure this time he'd be sleeping and I hoped it was the truth. I've spent the last few months trying to build my walls back up and if I looked at him now, they'd crumble down. I hoped that these few months would be enough for him to calm down, maybe he wouldn't hate me so much. But who am I kidding? I kind of hate myself. 

I was unlocking my apartment with a heavy sense of dread, and felt a strong, almost violent tingle down my spine, right before I heard a sharp intake of breath that caused my heart to stop entirely before beating irregularly. 

I almost didn't want to turn around. He looked like he'd gone to hell and back. He was a lot thinner than I remember, his face was grim and his gorgeous blue eyes appeared shady and dark, not like how they were months ago that night we silently admitted to be in love. My throat clogged with suppressed tears and I turned around, against every instinct in my body, and shut the door. I couldn't move, so I pressed my forehead against the door and tears fell down harshly, so hot and full of pain. I swore to myself that if he knocked on this door I'd let him in and beg him to forgive me. I shouldn't have walked out. I shouldn't have been away for so long. I wonder if what I saw in his eyes was actually pain or hatred.