A Dance With The Devil (Spn fanfic)

Young Gods

I drove for two hours straight, my rage and adrenaline making my decisions for me. I was making my way towards Rochester yet I had no idea what case the Winchesters had caught or if I would even be invited to join.

I checked the clock on the dashboard of my car and it read midnight so I decided to pull off onto a desolate road and try to find somewhere to sleep. I found a small parking lot outside a convenient store and parked my car there for the night.

I climbed into the back of my car and laid across the back bench seat of the car. I grabbed my phone and sent Leena and Melissa both a text message that said that if one of them could cover my shift at the studio it would be appreciated and that I would explain eventually. I didn't mention how long I would be gone because I wasn't sure myself. After I sent the message I put my phone down and shut my eyes hoping that sleep would engulf me quickly so I wouldn't be alone with my thoughts.

But that didn't happen. I laid awake for a while wondering if I had made the right decision. I feel like I had rushed things when it was unnecessary. That I should have waited to say goodbye to everyone properly and hire someone to take my place at the studio. But after tonight with my mother I was sound wound up I just felt like it had been an omen to leave. Yet as I sit in my car in the dead of night I wasn't so sure.

I stared up at the ceiling of my car. I tried letting my mind go blank but it wouldn't listen to me. So I sat up straight and scooted out of the car. The air was wiping around and I pulled my jacket, which had been my father's and was a few sizes big on me, tighter to my body. I could smell rain on the way so I opened the trunk quickly and opened the duffle bag and grabbed my father's journal.

I hopped back in the car and grabbed my emergency flashlight from my glove box and laid back down in the backseat. I opened to the second page of the journal.

December 1990

Carmen you are only a month old and I can tell you will be a heartbreaker. You have beautiful blue eyes but sometimes they scare me. Sometimes when I watch you, your eyes will go dark as if there is evil within you. I feel like this is my fault but your mother has assured me that I am just having doubts about being a good father. I think it is more than that, I am scared for your future and all I can do is hide that fear inside this journal. Your mother does not know I am writing this to you but when the time is right I will give this to you and explain everything and let you make your decision if you so desire. In all honesty, I decided to keep this journal for myself but now I realize it is for you Carmen. Everything I do from now on will be for you Carmen Colt. For our family, to keep us safe.

What was my father talking about? He was a police officer, maybe he had gotten into some bad beef with an inmate. I never heard him talk about anything even closely related to that though. I decide to keep reading.

January 1991.

You are getting so big even if you are merely two months old. It is a new year and I am going to dedicate myself to my family and my new job at the Prison. I will not let my family down like my family did to me. I never understood why families like us had children but things happen and people fall in love in crazy circumstances. In situations we thought we would never get through alone we find that one who helps us and we hold them so tight that we fall in love. I held to your mother so tight that I let her change me, even if she did not know it. Our love is real and that is why I needed to change. There was no way it would survive without this sacrifice of mine. And I would like to believe that it was the right thing for me to do.

February 1991.

I will never let you know my secrets.

I flip the page to see if he had continued writing on the next page but it just started with March which just began describing my four month year old self. It was so odd to see this one line written. I frown. He didn't want me to know his secrets? What secrets? What made him go from hopefully one day being able to tell me his secrets to never wanting me to know?