Remembering the Winter [On Hold] (sequel to BTL?)

A Completely Different Person - Part Two

A/N
In this fic, the second Captain movie never happened.

It took about half an hour for us to get to the SHIELD building and for Fury's assistant to make time for us in his schedule.

Finally, we were admitted into his office.

"Captain Rogers, Agent Barnes."

"Director Fury," Steve nodded hello.

I crossed my arms. Fury kept the truth from me as well.

Fury raised an eyebrow at my lack of greeting. "Something the matter, Barnes?"

Just that no one is telling me anything.

"Nick, he knows. Not all of it, but enough."

Fury sighed. "And you're here for clearance to tell him the rest?"

Steve nodded, "he's also starting to remember."

"What have you remembered?"

"I was in this chair.. And there was a guy. He said something about a mission going wrong. Then.. They locked my arms down and... I don't know what they did, I just know it was painful."

He nodded, "they were erasing your memory. Brainwashing you at the same time."

"What?"

Those weren't possible. How could you erase someone's memory? How could you brainwash them?

"Is that all you remembered?"

"Yeah. Who were they?"

Nick looked at Steve, directing my gaze to him as well. He seemed uncomfortable, like he didn't want to tell me.

"They were.." He looked up at me. "They were Hydra agents."

"Hydra?"

"Buck, I'm just going to start from the beginning." Steve gave me a short-lasting grim smile.

He lead me to the seats that were in Fury's office.

"I would stay, but I think this needs to be broken lightly." Nick told us. He crossed the room and left us alone.

"Sit down, Buck," Steve gestured to a chair.

I did and he paced a few times in front of me. "Well. Basically, it started when you fell."

"From the train?"

"Yes."

"Didn't you guys find me and I was unconscious?"

"That's where we lied to you." He said with guilt. "We uh, we lied to protect you. We didn't find you, Buck. I thought you were dead."

"Who found me?" As I said it, I could hear my voice crack. Was I ready for this?

"The Russians. I'm not exactly certain on all the details. Eventually Hydra got their hands on you. You were a mercenary. They erased your memory and brainwashed you when they thought it necessary to keep you under their control."

"Did I.." I took a shaky breath, "did I kill any innocent people?"

"Buck.." Steve's voice was soft, but warning.

In a way, that was my answer.

I leant forward and held my head in my hands. "H-how many?"

"Buck, don't do this to yourself. You know that you don't want to know."

"Was it a lot?"

He sighed and sat down across from me. "How much is a lot?"

I know what I'm capable of. A lot would be around a hundred. But what if it were more than that? Steve was right, I didn't want to know.

"What's with my arm?"

"You lost it in the fall. It was replaced by a bionic arm. Right now, you have an upgrade that Stark came up with."

"So, my arm's not real?"

Steve shook his head. "Do you need some time to process this?"

"No, tell me everything."

"We captured you. Myself and the Strike team. SHIELD took charge of everything and got Stark to figure out how to get Hydra out of your head. Undoing what they did to you caused you to lose some of your memories. So, SHIELD made you new ones."

I felt sick like I was going to throw up. What was real? How many false memories do I have? How many real ones am I missing?

"Made me new ones.."

"Yes, they had to so that-"

"So that you could lie to me?" I stood up and took a few steps away.

"Buck, we were just trying to protect you."

"From myself?"

"If you knew what you had done... I strongly believe that you wouldn't be able to live with it."

"How many?"

"Buck, I told you. You don't want to know."

"Fake memories, how many fake memories?"

Steve stood up and sighed. "You weren't awake as long as I was. Those are false memories. When we got Hydra out of your head, we put those ones in so that you'd think you were awake longer. Everything before the battle with Ultron was implanted into your brain. A little bit after was too."

"So I wasn't really helping Fury during the fight?" I remember Fury had contacted me to help track down a helicarrier. That wasn't real?

He shook his head. "No, we didn't even have you in custody yet."

"Custody?"

"Someone framed you and that's how we found you."

"What was I actually doing?"

"Hiding."