text messages

this isn't goodbye

   beth didn't even know how she ended up in front of his door, she was merely aware of her standing directly in front of it. in fact, she wasn't aware of many other things too. her hands shaking. her heart racing. her dry throat. she didn't notice any of that. she didn't want to.

   she took a deep breath, and rapped her knuckles against the door. she waited, and then knocked again, this time a bit louder. she was praying to god that he'd open up before she lost her courage. if she needed to knock one more time she was going to back off; she wasn't the kind of girl who could do anything spontaneous. this was a one time thing. she'd do anything for zach.

   she raised her shaky hand one more time, and was about to knock again just as the door swung open.

"sorry, sorry, i was showering and my mum's still cooped up in her room talking to grandma about the move and -"

"hey." she smiled, tucking away a strand of her hair behind her ear.

"hey." he smiled, leaning against the door frame. his hair was still damp, and his shirt was sticking to his body, faintly outlining his muscles. he was lean; not too muscular. he grabbed her hand and led her in, his hand soft and gentle.

   her fingers filled up the spaces between his like they were meant to be, but they both knew better.

   they walked up the stairs, meeting his cat, hermosa, along the way. he hissed at the new incomer, forgetting that he'd met her before. he rubbed his body against zach's leg, and beth giggled. zach could never get tired of her beautiful laugh. she was insane, but she used to be his. used to. not anymore.

   they entered his room and zach quickly to put away any of his clothes that he wouldn't be bringing along in an attempt to make the room look tidier. he raked his hand through his hair as he sat down on his bed, keeping his eyes trained on the ground. he didn't want to look at her. he didn't want to have a reason to stay. he needed to go.

"so."

"i'm gonna miss you zach."

   zach looked up, startled. she seemed fine all this time, but only now could he hear the tremble in her voice. her eyes were brimming with tears, and she was struggling to keep it all down.

"look beth we can't -"

   she waved her hand, dismissing it. she wanted to say everything before everything turned to nothing.

"please, don't say anything. i know, i know we broke up, but i'm still not over you. you were once my everything, my all. i needed you to keep me alive, and for the most of it, you did. you still are my entire world, i think, but... i have to let you go. and it sucks. it fucking sucks."

   she choked back a yell.

"i love you so much it hurts to think that you're not going to be here and you're not mine anymore. i don't know what i'm going to do. i know i said i'll try to get treatment and fix myself, be well, be healthy, eat right, not starve whatsoever. but who am i supposed to try for, when the one person i care about is going away?"

   zach's heart was pounding as he watched her tears finally roll down. his throat was dry and he was speechless. he stood up and held her hand. he was always gentle when he touched her; he was too afraid of letting her go yet he knew she was fragile. he rested his forehead on hers, feeling her shake with every sob.

"you have to try for yourself. you need to be your own warrior. it's so cheesy, i know, but we made a pact. i'll get therapy if you get help for your eating disorder. we can't keep living our lives this way, you know that."