SHEILD Recruit Survival Tips

Tips #1-25

1. Always make more coffee if you empty the pot.  You do not want to know what will happen to you if you fail to do so.

2. Remain aware of the ceiling tiles.  Agent Barton likes to hide in them with NERF weaponry.

3. Please don't offer to 'expose' Steve Rogers to the 21st century.

4. Do not volunteer for any tests Tony Stark recommends.  Ever.

5. The Avengers should not be looked upon as behavioral role models under any circumstance.

6. Dr. Banner is more than he appears.  Make him angry, and it comes out of your paycheck.

7. If you purchase the last packet of donettes from the vending machine on Level 5, expect an exponential increase in your paper work in the future.  Agent Coulson doesn't mess around when it comes to snack food.

8. Loki is not an Agent of SHEILD.  If you see him, even if he's in a suit, leave the area and report his presence immediately. Do not comply with any 'simple requests' he makes, no matter how funny they are.

9. Yes, there are secrets under the eyepatch.  No, you will never learn what they are.

10. Contrary to popular belief, Agent Hill does not actually have the bodies of rookies who displeased her underneath the floorboards of her office. We've checked.  Twice.

11. Hit on the Black Widow at your own risk.  Resulting injuries are not covered under the SHEILD standard health plan.

12. There is not actually an ongoing contest to come up with a new acronym for the organization. Please stop putting submissions in the director's mailbox.

13. Rookies are not in fact required to run makeshift hallway obstacle-course-slash-death-traps as part of their training.

14. Saying you did something 'for science' will not absolve you of culpability for any destruction that might result from your actions.

15. There is no Agent 69. And if there were, it would not be Clint Barton.

16. Any attempts at producing an underground 'SHIELD Gone Wild' video will result in immediate disciplinary action.

17. The dishes in the sink are not meant to be lab cultures.  Wash and put away what you eat from.

18. Should you come across Mjölnir left unattended, you should not take the opportunity to decorate it like a spirit stick.   Thor will not be pleased.

19. Refrain from insulting Odin. No further elaboration required.

20. The interrogation rooms are to be used for interrogation only. Hence the name 'Voyeurism rooms' is not acceptable nonmenclature.

21. Thor takes his drinking challenges very seriously.

22. Agent Coulson is not a robot.   Do not throw magnets at him to see if they'll stick.

23. Agents of HYDRA are a valid threat and should not be casually dismissed as 'cannon fodder', tempting as it may be.

24. Agents are asked to stop calling Tony Stark's personal number unless they need his immediate aid in an emergency. Calling repeatedly in hopes of getting voicemail and speaking to JARVIS is discouraged.

25. These tips are for the benefit of the smooth running of this organization.  They are not to be used as a 'bucket list'.