SHEILD Recruit Survival Tips

Tips #26-50

26. If you have a debriefing with Director Fury, make sure to grab something to eat first. You'll be in there awhile.

27. Recruits are not, under any circumstances, allowed to give any superpowered living dead beings access to our universe (be it by accident or on purpose). Any who do will be punished severely.

28. Dry cleaning may be expensed, but only if the damage to the garment happened in the line of duty. Wayward pie filling does not count, even if the pie was eaten while on an agency mandated field mission.

29. Yes, there are betting pools for virtually anything you can think of. No, none of them are officially sanctioned. Hunt them down on your own time, and join them at your own risk.

30. Absolutely no creating moonshine in the labs.

31. The deck of the Helicarrier is not to be used as a roller rink.

32. Be sure to familiarize yourself with the sections in the handbook concerning proper procedure in case of accidental or malicious defenestration.

33. Yes, YouTube has footage from Captain Rogers' USO shows. It is not necessary to remind him at every opportunity or to repeatedly play the videos during work hours.

34. Quinjets are not proportioned to be taken to a drive-thru. And no, that does not mean park it and dine in.

35. It may seem like a nice gesture, but refrain from giving Dr. Banner coffee. Especially of the kind brewed around SHIELD premises.

36. Sparring with members of the Avenger Initiative is permitted, but do so at your own risk.

37. Referring to Thor as 'Captain Hammer', 'MC Hammer', or 'Doc Hammer' is not recommended.

38. Regardless of what Mr. Stark says, Ironette costumes are not usually considered adequate costuming for undercover work.

39. Do not use Pym Particles for 'extracurricular activities'.

40. There is not a single senior agent who believes in decaf.

41. If you are sent to the medical wing, be advised that this is not optional advice.  ( Refer to Tip #5.)

42. If you go into the labs and are not actually lab personnel, be extremely careful as to what you touch without appropriate safety gear. You could be burned, frostbitten, or turned into some sort of gargantuan monster.

43. Filling coffeepots with water and aquatic wildlife is not a prank. It is a health hazard.

44. Paperwork deadlines are not simply guidelines. They are requirements.

45. Please do not refer to Tony Stark's arc reactor as his 'chest nightlight'.

46. Agent Barton becomes somewhat cranky when there are no Twinkies to be had in the vending machines. When that is the case, watch for flying arrows, particularly if you are in possession of some.

47. Mission reports are not to be filled out in haiku, limericks, or any other sort of poetry.

48. There really is a form for any situation you can likely think of. Or at least one that can be adapted to the purpose. Therefore, creating your own makeshift templates is entirely unnecessary.

49. Do not cover yourself with glitter and claim it was a sex pollen attack. It will only get you put in quarantine and waste everyone's time.

50. Although we recognize that motor pool security duty is extremely boring, any attempts to remove Johann Schmidt's Hydra Coupe for a 'drive-thru run' will be met with immediate disciplinary action. Also note that there are no fast food restaurants within 50 miles with a drive-thru large enough to accommodate that car.