SHEILD Recruit Survival Tips

Tips #76-100

76. Gym equipment is to be used for exercise purposes only. Any unauthorized usage can result in disciplinary measures for misuse of S.H.I.E.L.D. property.

77. Cartoon character ties are not strictly prohibited, but they're really tacky.

78. Dating supervillains is a very bad idea. Just don't.

79. Regardless of rank or position, do not refer to any other S.H.I.E.L.D. personnel as 'mindless drones'.

80. Official forms are not to be used for note passing, paper airplanes, range targets, crafts projects, or anything other than their intended purposes.

81. Please keep prank wars from extending to actual property damage.

82. Yes, we have all seen the security camera footage from the 'gas station event'. However, at this point, asking Agent Coulson how many food items he can disable someone with will very likely garner you a firsthand demonstration.

83. Parasailing behind the Helicarrier will earn you absolutely nothing but a Darwin Award.*

84. Treat your suits well and they will do the same for you.

85. The most normal situation you will encounter in your time here is when everything is as abnormal as possible. Therefore, always be ready to think on your feet.

86. If you are altered in any way by a laboratory incident, supervillain attack, or Act of God, please notify your direct superior immediately, provided you retain the ability to communicate.

87. Twister is not and was never on the list of sanctioned team-building activities.

88. Painting Agent Barton's archery equipment pink after Valentine's Day is over is unseasonal. Messing with his archery equipment in any way at any time at all is extremely unwise.

89. Despite the general accuracy of the code names of most members of the Avenger Initiative, Tony Stark's suit is not actually composed of iron. Refrigerator magnets will not adhere to it.

90. 'Debriefing' puns are just ridiculously juvenile. Try to maintain at least a minimum level of decorum.

91. These advisories are directed at new recruits. However, do not take the fact that they are sometimes flouted by more experienced personnel as an indication of their irrelevance. You will not like the results.

92. No matter how attractive the supervillain/ess is, don't go for it. The only thing you will get is embarrassed.

93. There are enough pre-existing projects to be working on that there is no need to be improvising new ones without approval.

94. Should you actually utilize your vacation time, keep in mind that there is always a chance you could get recalled in case of emergency. Should that be the case, you will retain the balance. Of course, some senior agents have accrued years of backlogged vacation time.

95. It is not necessary to title mission reports to sound reminiscent of Sherlock Holmes adventures.**

96. Do not use cold storage units to hoard snowballs for surprise attacks in warm weather. They will be removed if discovered.

97. Use black or blue ink on forms. They do not need 'a touch of whimsy'.

98. If you notice the stock of coffee powder in the break room start to drop below average, please take the responsibility to replenish it.

99. Just because these tips are directed at recruits doesn't mean they aren't good ideas for everyone else, as well.

100. Celebrating spurious milestones is a waste of time. Yes, every day is the anniversary of something. No, not every anniversary requires a cake.
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*: The Darwin Awards are a tongue-in-cheek honor, originating in Usenet newsgroup discussions circa 1985. They recognize individuals who have supposedly contributed to human  by selecting themselves out of the gene pool via death or sterilization by their own actions.

**: i.e. : The Valley of Fear, The Hound of the Baskervilles, A Study in Scarlet, etc.