Only Eight Months

Chapter One: Interrogation and Awkward Situations

I pushed the heavy doors open and entered the cafeteria. This was probably my least favorite part of the day; walking to my lunch table. I know it's weird, and you can call me weird, but I always get anxious when walking into the cafeteria. The feeling that all eyes are one me, and that people are silently judging me. I'm probably overreacting to the whole situation, and it's all in my head, but the idea makes my skin crawl, and makes me feel really self conscious. Quickly crossing the room to my table, I am greeted by the sight of my friends Alice and Liberty, who are too involved in a very heated discussion over who knows what.

Feeling like a third wheel, and to avoid awkward questions about my social life I start to unpack my lunch, which consists of the same things as normal. A small bowl of spinach, a granola bar, and a water lay before me.

Alice and Libby always say that I'm not eating enough, but they don't know that I can't. When I eat a lot I feel like I'm going to throw up, and the thought of gaining weight pushes through my mind. It makes me sick, and I feel the world start to close in on me, the urge to crumple to my knees and cry out to the world seems irresistible. However I can't. I can't cry. I can't when so many people look up to me, not when I influence so many people on a daily basis. I have to stay strong for them, I can't let them down and cry. I have to show them that the person that they look up to is strong. Finally, realizing that I have been staring at my food for a good three minutes, I decide to dig in. However, I can't help but think that I'm going to gain weight from eating my meal, if you could call it that.

You may ask the reason as to why I feel the need to be skinny, it's honestly because a lot of kids in my school look up to me, I don't want them to think less of me if I gain weight. They think of me as this perfect person, their expectations for me are set incredibly high. By gaining weight I would not live up to their standards, I would let them down. I strive for perfection so that I can please my peers, if I make a mistake I feel as if I let them down. The only way I will achieve true happiness is from achieving ultimate perfection. About halfway through my spinach the interrogation, and matchmaking session begins.

"Where do you think you've been missy? Why were you so late? Was the chemistry test difficult? Did you see the new Sherlock episode? Are you eating? How long have you been here?, " are the questions that I am bombarded with by Libby.

"Whoa, whoa one question at a time."

"But...fine," she agrees, but not before dramatically rolling her eyes. "Ok but seriously, why were you late?"

"I had to talk to Mrs. Rivers about finding new volunteer opportunities," I lie, however Lib seems to buy it. 

 What she doesn't know is that I was actually just staring at myself in the bathroom mirror. I was just staring, noticing all of my flaws; how my ears are uneven, how my left eye is slightly larger than my right one,  how my face isn't perfectly symmetrical or how I have enormous bags under my eyes, the list of imperfections just seems endless. I just stared at myself in horror and tried to get myself not to breakdown and cry. Lacy Williams doesn't cry. Lacy Williams can't cry.

Libby responds with a nod of approval, but not before adding, "of course I didn't expect anything else. I mean you are a goody-two-shoes."

Feigning a scoff I turn my focus back to my lunch and try to finish my lunch. But of course Alice has to start telling me about who is dating who, who broke up and who is looking single but searching. Of course being the great friend she is, she alway volunteers me as the person who would be willing to date people. Note the sarcasm. This leaves me always feeling very awkward and uncomfortable. I have to tell all of the guys who ask me out no, which breaks my heart, especially since some of the guys are truly nice guys. The truth is, I'm not ready for a relationship. It's not that my parents won't let me date, oh trust they don't mind, in fact my mom has tried to set me up on several dates herself. I just feel that I'm not ready for a relationship at the current moment.

The barrier that is holding me back is that I just feel that I'm not emotionally ready; I mean I practically cry everytime I look at my reflection in a mirror. I feel as if I'm under so much stress, trying to be the perfect person that people in my school can look up to, and to be the perfect person that everyone expects me to be. I can barely deal with the everyday stress that comes with being a teenager, how am I supposed to date a guy. A relationship would only bring more unnecessary stress and drama into my life, both of which I know I could not deal with at the present moment. Even if I could handle all the emotional stress that comes with being in a relationship, I don't have the time that is necessary to put into a relationship that will last long-term. It would be unfair to the guy if I couldn't put in work and effort in order to grow the relationship, I couldn't be that selfish.

However, despite my protests which fall upon deaf ears, Alice is persistent in finding me, as she calls it, the "perfect piece of man." I think that it is pretty safe to conclude that Alice is a little obsessed with boys. I mean, she takes pictures of random "cute" guys in public, she seriously has so many that she has a folder for them on her phone. Her motto is seriously 'fine guys be fine'. Alice has even gone to extremes as to name each photo of a guy with a good name for example "white hat" or "subway guy" or even "Duke from Southfield."

"Did you hear Ryder and Skai broke up because she didn't want to have to commit to a relationship, and he begged her to stay, saying that he was in love with her, and would never find someone like her", my best friend gossiped. She was just getting started too, so it was best to just stay quiet. "Oh here's a good one did you hear that Calder and Adalaya got together. It was the cutest way to ask too. He wrote a song and then sang it to her, while playing his guitar as she got to school, then gave her a necklace, that said Forever. It's cheesy, I know, but isn't that just the most adorable thing you have ever heard of. She's got herself a keeper there, he's golden. Pure golden." My best friend continued out but I was no longer following, I was starting to doze of off, thinking about nothing in particular. That was until I heard my name and volunteered in the same sentence.