Only Eight Months

Chapter Four: Childhood Problems and Social Ladders

The floor changes from tile to hardwood, letting me know that I'm in the safety of my bedroom. I collapse to the floor and start to cry. It starts off as silent sobs, then realizing that I'm all alone, my crying gets louder. Eventually I'm letting out a percussion of sobs that can be heard throughout the entire house. I cry as loud as I want, no one's home.

No one is home to hear my broken sobs or to hold and comfort me, telling me everything will be alright. No one cares, if they did why do they always leave me alone, they don't even tell me where they are or even when they are going to be home. Never have they once asked me if I was okay by myself, if I could manage on my own. It's always been assumed that I can survive with only myself.

My mom forced me to grow up too early, claiming that I needed to be more mature, so that I could learn how to be a proper lady, and how to be successful in society today. Starting at the age of ten I wasn't allowed to go out and play during the summer months, instead, I had to stay inside and learn how to run a business. The soul reason for this being that my dad expects me to take over the company, once I complete graduate school, so that he can retire.

I'm just a pawn to my parents. They didn't allow me to have any distractions growing up because it would get in the way of my dad's plan for me to take over the company. They have deprived me of my childhood, and have forced me to grow up too early. I don't even think they've even realized what they've done to my life, they're too caught up in their own. I don't even consider myself as ever being a kid, or currently being a teenager. I'm a person and that's it. Never have I belonged to a specific belong to a specific group, because I'm always out of place. I am pawn in the game, my parents manipulating me and my every move so that they can win.

Despite wanting me to be focused without distractions, my parents always wanted me to have friends when I was younger. According to them that it just wasn't healthy for me to stay inside all day hovered over books. They wanted me to be just like the other girls, to have friends and to go places such as the movies, the mall, or concerts. Always eager to take up the offer, I never complained about this request. I would either walk or ride my bike into town, and go shopping and have lunch out, in the summer. Even at school I was more social. I started talking to more people, letting them know that I did in fact have social skills, and that I wasn't some person obsessed with schoolwork and my studies.

During this time, my parents seemed more at ease. They felt more assured knowing that I was getting out there, making more friends, and that I was having as close to a normal childhood as I could. They supported me going out and just hanging out with friends, in fact they even encouraged me. My mom even went to the extremes of calling family friends with sons around my age. From there she would call them over and tell us to go hang out. She even encouraged me to start dating some of them. However, of course I denied and just hung out with some of the guys as just friends-that's it.

Eventually I started to get used to having some freedom. I didn't abuse it, I still kept up with my studies both for school and for my dad. However, I got used to going to school and not having to rush home immediately after, to start my work. Instead, I would gather my things, and talk to people on my way out of the building. For once, the walk to the car was leisurely, and not rushed. On some days I would even go and get a bit to eat, or even go to one the houses that belonged to many of my new friends. I finally got to experience what it was like to have friends. After a month I could be considered as popular, however I didn't think that the term suited me. I was even invited to sit with the 'popular' kids. However, all of this was new to me and all of it happened so suddenly, I didn't accept.

I was always a firm believer in the phrase 'stick to your roots'. My roots were where I had been since the age of ten. A 'nerd' at my designated table on the far side of the cafeteria straight across from the double doors. The roots that I had were firmly rooted with the people who had been with me through everything, the times when no one talked to me, to now when I was at known and admired by everyone. I knew that I had to stick with the people who cared about me the most, even after everything. The people who I could confide in, and who I could tell anything to. Going through the situations we had been through in my head, my choice was clear. I would stick my my 'home' table. They had always been there for me and I will always be there for them. I would always be there for Libby and Alice. Looking back on it now, I could not be happier that I chose what I did when given the opportunity to move up the social ladder at lunch.

Shortly after my 'rise to popularity' my parents thought that I was getting distracted, and cut all activities in my schedule that weren't during school, extracurriculars, or academic based activities. After a few short months of freedom, I was back to studying 24/7 with absolutely no distractions. Once again, my social life outside of school became non-existent. Gone were the days of shopping, and leisure walks to the car, and here were the days of rushing, and intense studying.

Everything that I had come to enjoy and cherish all gone in an instant. No longer could I go into town on Saturdays with friends. All of the times I spent with friends were also gone, and I was back to being alone constantly when not at school. I still had friends and lots of them, but it was harder to connect with them now. They talked of the mall and the movies, and that was just something that I couldn't relate to them about anymore. They didn't notice because they were too busy with their own lives to notice my subtle change in behavior. I didn't want it to be obvious because I didn't want to lose friends, because since as long as I can remember it's only Alice, Libby, and myself.

However, despite my attempts to try and hide the fact that I can't go out anymore, my best friends shortly picked up that something was off about me. Afterall they had known me almost my entire academic career. Eventually, I gave in and admitted that something had changed. After explaining the entire story of how everything happened, they looked at me with something in their eyes. Maybe it was sympathy, or maybe it was just understanding. I didn't get a good chance to analyze it though because shortly after I was engulfed in the hugs of my friends. Quietly they told me that they would always be there for me and would never think about leaving me. These were the only constants in my life, the only people who truly cared. Something that not even my parents could ever be or do.

I remain in a heap on my floor, crying. Crying because of my lack of childhood. Crying because my parents don't care. Crying because I'm stressed. Crying because I'm a bloody mess; but really I'm crying because no one understands. They don't understand the stress and the pain of my life, and no one ever will. I just let everything out as I'm on my bedroom floor. My cries could be heard through the entire house but it doesn't matter. No one is home. It's just me and my lonely sobs trying to fill this enormous house, that only we occupy. Slowly, everything gets better as I drift off into a deep slumber. Finally everything is calm and peaceful; for once.