Death Can't Do Us Part (Editing)

Joe

January 23, 2015

Trigger warning: suicide attempt

Joe's coming over today. Truth be told, I'm not too thrilled. He took my one chance of being with Patrick again away. If I would've locked the bathroom door I'd be with Patrick right now. That's all I truly want. Joe doesn't understand.

It took me a few hours to get the courage to actually do it, attempt suicide, I mean. I rolled the bottle around in my hands as I contemplated my life. I was nothing without Patrick. Just a worthless piece of space. I stood up from the toilet, and opened the lid with little difficulty. This was a lot easier than I thought. I dumped what was left of my pills into my hand. I took a lot of Ativan. Almost 15 pills. I washed it all down with water immediately so that I wouldn't die with a pungent taste in my mouth. I felt fine for a few minutes, but when Joe first walked into the house was when I started feeling dizzy. I swayed left to right, but kept a firm grip on the sink. The room looked like it was spinning all around me.

"Pete? It's Joe."

I clutched the side of the sink firmer than before, and looked up into the mirror. I smiled widely and chuckled. I was finally going to be with Patrick. Nothing could stop me. Then I heard the doorknob jiggle. Faint at first, but then that's all I could focus on, that damn noise. The smile was quickly replaced with a frown. I stayed put as Joe opened the door and allows himself in. He smiled at me when he saw me. His smile turned into furrowed eyebrows and a straight mouth as he saw the empty pill bottle. He whipped his phone out, and unlocked it at lightning speed. Immediately, he dials 911.

"Don't call anyone, Joe!" I cried as I said this. I looked at him as best as I could, though he was spinning with the room. I continue to plead as the phone rings, but Joe doesn't budge.

"I'm calling 911, Pete! You're not commiting suicide!"

"I hope I die before they get here," I yell, "I just want to be with Patrick again! I don't deserve to live. I'm a waste of space and my stupidity killed my husband!"

"Pete, I still care about you! I don't want my best friend to die; especially not in front of me!"

"If you love me let me go, Joe."

"I'm sorry that I'm not sorry for doing this," and with that an operator answers.

"911, what's your emergency?"

"My best friend just took a lot of Ativan. He won't let me take him to a hospital," Joe says in a shaking voice.

"No! Joe let me die! I want to be with Patrick," I let go of the sink as I said this. I lost my balance, and fell. My head hit the ceramic bowl of the sink, which caused me to slowly slip into unconsciousness. The last thing I remember before waking up in the hospital was Joe crying, "Oh God, he just fell. Please get here soon!"

I woke up surrounded by white walls. I thought I was in Heaven before I heard the beeping of a heart monitor. It's steady pace reminded me how I failed at committing suicide. I wept, and tried taking everything out. I started unplugging the heart monitor before I was forced back into my uncomfortable bed. I looked into the person's eyes, and recognized them instantly. Joe.

"Why didn't you just let me die, Joe? I want to be with Patrick!"

"You're my best friend. I care about you and you're the only friend I have besides Andy. You know me more than I know myself. I'm certainly not about to lose my best friend."

"I deserve to die. I'm such a wreckless driver, and I lost Patrick. I don't want to live anymore."

I slumped back into the bed, and I covered my eyes as I continued crying. Joe patted my back, and told me that everything will be okay. Joe didn't deserve all of this, but it isn't fair that he didn't let me go.

Joe stayed there with me until they let me out. The only time he would leave was for food, or to go to the bathroom. He slept in the recliner that was in the room.

When my doctor let me leave, he suggested that I see a therapist. I didn't want to go, but seeing what I put Joe through made me realize that it was for the best. Joe suggested that I see his old therapist, Dr. Urie.

I've been seeing Dr. Urie since then. He was nice and very outgoing, and was taller than me by about three inches. He had brown eyes and dark brown hair. Dr. Urie was a very upbeat person, as well.

Joe came, and we talked about his daughter, and how I'm doing. I didnt tell him that I can see Patrick now. He'd probably think I'm crazy. I never told him about my ability to see ghosts. But then again, no one really knows.

He left after dinner. I just ordered a pizza, but he didn't complain. We sat in silence while we ate. When he finished up, he told me he enjoyed seeing me, and that he misses me. I said the same thing back to him. He hugged me, and left.

Now I'm just waiting here for Patrick. He said he was going to his parents house today, though he knew they wouldn't be able to see or hear him. I hope he comes back soon.

-P. Wentz