coffee; a novel

one

6:30am, oh joy my most favorite time to be awoken by the irritating sound that is my alarm on my phone. It was awfully chilly this morning to the point where getting out of bed to get dressed wasn't even an option, I loved winter but getting up for school at 6am everyday when it was still freezing was not my favorite activity. Although, part of me always seemed to like this routine, once getting dressed and covering my face in makeup I'd hop into my
mom's car, pull on my headphones and listen to my current favorite album Wiped Out! by The Neighbourhood. That album always had this small connection with my emotional side since it released so that's why I love it.

Sitting at my desk in my home room class listening to announcements always sort of made me feel like today wouldn't be so bad. Most of the time, no things weren't all that bad, unless there was drama of course with a boy that I had recently fallen for and gotten over. He broke up with me over a month ago and for whatever reason that I don't know of he hates my guts. One thing I've definitely learned is that boys emotions are hard to understand, either that or they're just dumb.

Anyway I had a few best friends whom I'd tell everything to since I trusted them and I knew they'd always be there for me. Of course I had friends like everyone does, but any time I'm around a bunch of people there's this sinking feeling that I'm alone.

I feel alone.

Yet whenever I seem to be alone, I feel almost comforted by the fact that I enjoy being by myself. Most people probably dislike being in a room with nothing other than themselves in their comfort of a soft blanket watching How I Met Your Mother, but I like it that way, I'm not just saying any of that to sound 'quirky' I'm just sort of myself and I do my best not to be as 'normal' as possible. But the thing is during the day I feel happy when I'm in my room as my mom's off at work but when it comes to nighttime I feel
broken

I feel like there's just some part of me with this everlasting emptiness in the pit of my stomach. I hate this damn feeling and I wish to just get rid of it, but I can't. somehow I just can't seem to shake this feeling in my bones of pure loneliness, like it will never go away. Despite the fact that it still festers inside my body I have just a small spark of hope that one day I shall meet someone or something that will fill this abyss inside of myself.

I guess I can sort of understand why a lot of people I've known not long always say I'm so bright and so optimistic, little do they know how wrong their statement is, although it is true I enjoy seeming optimistic as then I'm never too much of a worry to people.
   
And of course, here I realize that I'm stuck in my first period class doodling instead of actually keeping track of what my teacher is babbling on about. Since I was the only person not paying attention I got a soft tap onto my shoulder from Miss Vasloe, I look up at her rather unpleasant face as she seemed rather cross with how I had done nothing in my notes than draw planets and aliens. She pulled me aside whilst the rest of the class scribbled in their notebooks, copying down what she had written about Elements.

"Why weren't you taking the notes? Is there anything you don't understand or is there something bothering you?" She said to me seeming a little worried about my behavior. I just explained to her that I've felt a little out of it recently but I'll get back on track eventually, she just lightly flashed me a smile and signaled me to go back to my seat. it's almost like every teacher that day did this to me, noticed I wasn't doing the work I was meant to do and they all rather seemed concerned about my wellbeing more or less.

I made it through my first four periods and finally it was lunch, I stumbled through the crowded hallways to get so I could leave to head to subway as I usually do on a Friday, my last two periods were just P.E and Math which I don't really thing were important subjects so I chose to just get lunch and go home rather than stick around. I quickly stopped by subway and ordered a 6in sub with cheese and waltzed home.
   
Nothing in particular was special about today, but then again nothing ever was being a simple nobody who lives alone and does nothing but stay up late writing, all I ever do is write or listen to music so you can see why a lot of people don't take very much interest in me. Most people find me boring but I guess I might be surrounded by the wrong type of people.

The days go on for what seems to be forever but somehow I managed through them. The days are all the same so I don't need to go into much detail but basically I spent my holidays alone, began to pass all of my classes so I guess that's a good thing. I've realized I began writing more, wether it be just simply writing about that day or even songs. But other than that everything is the same like it always will be. Then again I'm brining it on myself because nobody is making my days quite the same other than myself, considering I have the control of my world and I choose my own actions.

I would complain about it but deep down I guess I sort of like getting used to a routine of some sort because nothing needs to change. Part of me likes the whole idea of that but I'm not the type of person who plans every waking moment of everyday but small routines is a bit more calming. Things like taking my hair growth pills at a certain time or going to the store a certain day of the week, it's a good feeling and definitely helps out with my anxiety I have with some things.

I guess that's why I'm so lonely, since I have all this anxiety and I stopped seeing my counselor over a year ago because she said I was 'completely fine.' but it would just be nice to maybe be able to go outside everyday without any anxiety, genuinely the only time I don't have anxiety is when I visit my favorite coffee shop.