Entre el amor y el odio

Part 12

Jane woke up due to a strange romantic dream involving Lisbon. Taking a moment, he tried to remember what had happened the night before. As he felt someone beside him he let a sigh.

"What did I do last night?" he thought running his hands on his face in a panic.

Jane took a breath trying to remember what happened. All he could think was he went out to a bar and he was drinking alone. Then the memories of the previous night came back to him. The shots of tequila, the music and a blond woman he was talking with.

Suddenly, Jane was overcome with humiliation for his behavior last night. He felt like a fool. He felt dirty, disgusted. It didn't make sense. He squeezed his eyed shut. Lisbon's green eyes came to his and he felt his heartbeat to quickened. How did his life become so messy?

Jane groaned and his head ached from the hangover. He got off the bed and went to take a long shower. Maybe some hot water would help him recover. He stood under the water and tried clear his thoughts. Sleeping with unknown women was a habit to him. Then, why did it feel so bad this time? He knew the answer but he didn't want to admit it.

Leaving the bathroom, he found the bed empty. He searched the apartment but nothing. He left a breath of relief and went back to his bedroom. He picked up some clothes from the dresser and when he was finished he looked himself on the mirror.

All his life he was standing in the centre with everyone admiring him. Until he met Lisbon. His whole world got twisted and he had fallen into his own trap. He felt like he betrayed her last night. He spend a wonderful day with her and then he ruined everything for something unimportant.

Jane shook his head and took his cell phone on his hands. He had three missed calls from Matt and a reminder about his date with Lisbon. Lisbon... the only woman who didn't want him. The only woman who could see sometimes behind his mask the truth. The only woman who meant something for him.

Jane went to his kitchen and prepared a tea for him. Making his way to the couch, his eyes caught Lisbon's file. He took some sips and then he grabbed the file and began to read it. He closed his eyes painfully as he read about her life. She had so many tragedies in her life. Her mother death when she was only twelve years old, her father who turned to an alcoholic and a abuser, his suicide a few years later, the raising of her younger siblings, her husband's car accident.

Lisbon was a fighter. She was the strongest person he had ever met. Jane wondered how she was able to do what she did when she was so young. She was incredibly. He always knew she was a kind hearted woman but he couldn't imagine she had to live such horrible experiences. When he noticed a tear running gown his cheek he decided to stop using her for his cause. Jane couldn't read the rest of her file. He took it and threw it on the sink and then burnt it.

He could understand her reactions and her behavior. The reason why she didn't let anyone close to her. Why she had built walls inside her. She had been hurt in so many ways in the past and she didn't deserve any of it. Jane tensed and clenched his fist. He felt his head was about to explode. It was too much for his mind to be flashed with images of Lisbon being hurt or cry by her own father. If he wasn't dead, Jane would have kill him again and again. He didn't deserve to die so easily. Jane would have done to him worst things.

Jane took a deep breath and he tried to calm himself. He wanted to take her in his arms, hold her tight against him, took care of her. He wanted to be as close to her as possible. To erase all the bad memories, to heal her.

He couldn't do it anymore. He needed to make a decision. Going back to his old life or moving forward with her. He shivered at the thought. Jane had made a promise to himself to not be like his father. He didn't love anyone and he could sell his own soul for some dollars. Jane didn't want to take after him. He hated from a young age to lie and deceive people.