poetry

january fifth

            [dawson raymond]

there i sat, in the chilled bathroom of my shared home, my parents were gone - on a small vacation, leaving me behind. my head was spinning slowly as if i was alone on a carousel. deep breathing didn't help as the dark clouds suffocating my brain roared in like a mighty storm.

i wrapped my arms around the middle part of my legs, tightly as if that was going to make the suicidal thoughts go away, it's time like these i wished she didn't save me the first time. why couldn't you just leave me alone, let death suck the breath out of my lungs and pull the soul from within. why?

my brown eyes looked down at the pure white, eggshell white and ugly blue pills in my palm, my parents really shouldn't trust leaving their pills unattended. my throat was dry and my mind was debating whether i should do this, again. i was growing tired of fücking up everything, my friends was slowly increasing their distance from me, even my parents barely talked to me, they always pretended that they cared, the annoyed look of their faces when i said 'i'm not okay' and the harsh sighs made me want to smack their face with a metal bat, repeatedly. the only person that still somewhat cared, was my girlfriend, sam.

"dawson!" a voice called once i took the eighth pill, swallowing down tap water behind. maybe my brain was playing ruthless tricks on me, my eyes averted to the window above the toilet, it was raining and even thundering, gosh i adored the sweet sound of rain, "daw, where are you?" i mentally cursed, i knew who this was, it was sam. gosh, it's like she could sense me slowly taking my own life.

the door to the bathroom was locked, and i quickly turned out the lights, hoping she wouldn't notice my heavy exhausted breathing from the outside. how'd she get into my house? why'd she always ruin everything for me?

my sanity was slowly fading away and i was quickly giving up, the voices in my head weren't stop yelling. i could feel myself giving up. this time won't you save me, like you did last time.

"fuck" i whispered, so silently as the thunder clapped outside my window, the rain hit the window like heavy rocks. "please answer me dawson, where are you?" her voice sounded scared, as if she knew about the act i was trying to commit, i wanted to answer, i disliked the concern and pain in her voice, her sweet beautiful voice.   

i had put her through so much recently with all my chaotic mood swings and down mood, i quietly groaned, my stomach began to burn like fire and i could feel my heart beeping, rapidly. i still felt like giving up, yet, her face wouldn't leave my mind. i love her and honestly i wouldn't want to be without her, she needs me and i surely need her.

all the fifteen pills i had taken, some for sleep, most were high dose pain killers, "s-" i tried to speak, but my voice was quiet quite like a mouse, my heart felt attacked as it beated fast, too fast. my legs had become leg with tiredness. i managed to grab a bar of soap from the nearby soap tray and i tossed them both at the door, the rain screamed loudly, will she save me this time? won't you save me for my horrid mistake? fuck.

it's as if i wanted to die, yet i didn't, i didn't want to be away for my love, my true love. "sam-" i mumbled as i crawled to the door, the cold floor making my fingers and palm feel like snow, once it opened, she saw me. face drained of color, "i'm calling an ambulance." i knew you'd save me for good this time.

before the ambulance got to my house, i stuck a finger down my throat, trying desperately to puke up some of the white and blue pills, in the back of my head i knew it was probably too late, my head was spinning, my heart wasn't racing anymore but was slowing down, too much. my once vibrant color was fading away as my eyes saw duplicates of everything.

sam's soft lips touched my sweaty forehead, "i love you, don't give up."

"baby i can feel myself giving up, i love you sammy,"

     

[save me by nicki minaj]